Just Some Thoughts…
"While we are encompassed by a world of problems, it is our responsibility to decide how we react." -thepositivendeavour
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Addie Free Bakari
I could have perused dentistry, but I perused PT. Leave that for Chanice. “Myself” is trying to convince “me” that’s still to much focus for me. Dissonanced being. Capped mentally. She. Was. Mean…but I won’t return that energy. I have to retire my mom before 60….not before pre-retirement at 63. Mind stop playing me. My. Heart. Is. Too. Sweet. I struggle not to let you penetrate the exoskeleton and get to the mushy gushy. You can’t have emotionality and physicality on me, so I choose celibacy. I wish I could credit it to my morality. Read. Read. I’m going to figure out this being. God save me. God raise me. I get ridiculed for transparency cause I share these blogs on FB feed. Then the masses can judge me, and I’m embarrassed but, “I cannot delete.” Then I take down because of family. Deconstructed socially. No addition to popularity. I volunteered this information to help somebody…somebody who is feeling the same as me…someone who is set up perfectly but is still battling with their mentally. I’m struggling to connect with those around me…and the ones I do connect with I make sure I keep them at good distance…about arms length away from me. CSPT. I just don’t trust they can feel as deeply. Rationality please fall on me. I cry at the thought of loosing mommy because mommy has always shown a genuine care for me. Now I’m isolated. It’s tough embracing the thoughts of a fragmented being.
Bakari! Bakari! You’re name means promising, so please fulfill what you have promised me. How did Julian die though? Was it from an accident? Was it in his sleep? “God please don’t tell me it was because of his mentally! You know that could have should have been me!” We only spoke a couple times, but from his gaze I knew we shared similar mentality. I saw them say R.I.P Tamar, but moments later the world seemed to be back up on its feet…operating flawlessly. Then I told myself if I die I want them to praise me. It’d give my haggard ego relief. Drum major instinct. Am I still here because I been favored genetically? Not perfect but having had the privilege of being approached because of beauty. What if I never had that opportunity? What if my family wasn’t so respected in the community? What if it was me instead of him who was exposed to herpes? What if I didn’t have religion to instill the fear in me? Would I still be? Questions. Questions. Those are some real questions for me….
Keep pushing Bakari…
Quarter Life Cry
May 24, 2018
It’s a daily struggle to attain bravery, but they beat that out of my ancestors during slavery…now their past is running up to me. I feel like there is nothing you can say to me; these irrational thoughts have produced some fears within that have been slaying me. They’re steady playing me, and now I feel like I need therapy. I believe my life has a great responsibility, so I’ve been exercising my ability to respond to adversity. Right now you‘ve never heard of me. Before then I have to get my mind right; my anxiety kicks in when I think I’m in the limelight. I’m supposed to be in my prime right? I’m 25, quarter life, and now it’s do or die. Sometimes the pressure has me cry; but after the sack cloth and ashes I must arise. I felt depression in her vibe as I watched her teary eyes and shouldered the regression of her mind. I believed she was one of a kind, but when I pondered it her heart started in a different place than mine. I started where we left off. You started with the pain from the other guy. You ran from the pain to me the “good guy”, but I just couldn’t remain soft while you scoffed and mocked as my emotions remained aloft. I ordered in a Mocha Latte, and it came to Skins spot with a crop top. No drip like cherry popped, but the fare for that guilty trip cost me lot.
No one is concerned; no one‘s watching me, but I feel like I‘m under high scrutiny. What do I do? I get a tat and some jewelry. Two faced Christians are no longer fooling me. The difference between you and I is I will wear my “sins” out on my sleeve. My own rationale won’t even get through to me. Before you hear my eulogy, I just want you to hear this quarter life cry from me.
Spar With Me: Feminist Extremist
May 17, 2018
My brothers pursue your purpose before you dish out diamond ring(s). I checked her resume and all it had on it was “I am a pretty ting”. I’ve had enough experience to know a woman will never fill your void within, but you’ll have to dig really deep to reshape your perspective. All the way in South Korea throwing curses at me; D i’m sorry for constantly using your body for my fantasies. I’m sure you’re sorry that you let me. Until you lay that hurt to rest you will still be mad at me, while I’m over here pursuing grander things. That’s the sad thing. Please don’t get seduced by a “bad ting” when you’re in pursuit of something lasting. I’m steady with transparency and blasting out me, but I have no shame because it’s a pass thing. Come Spar with me. I am in pursuit of the better me, and I promise I will catch him. I’m just creating habits socially, and if I slip up it’s a $10 penalty. If I give her the D I Cash App Mr. C 15. Sometimes I act reckless but have enough sense to know that there’s a cost for everything. Get a morning routine. That’s going to help me get lean. I don’t really want to be seen, but sometimes my ego is a fiend. He has the Drum Major Instinct. Listen to the speech by Dr. Martin Luther King. Spar with me with rationality. You’re projecting primarily emotionality in your writings. These feminist extremists think they are enlightened, while the birth and marriage rates are slowly declining. The divorce rates have been heightened. Western success equals money, power, and material things…essentially more resources. As modern day women strive for this, many become more masculine unaware that her true power comes from her grace and femininity. Yet she’s so focused on competing with me. You’re conditioned to always challenge a man’s masculinity, but whatever babe you can come Spar with me….
Download the app though if you want to compete.
Remember Me
May 11, 2018
Remember me at 23. Still a V with long lost purity. Two virgins, so that’s two virginity’s. No longer speak just post on Instagram for me to see. Write out everything when I start feeling, so I don’t take it out on my body. Do you consider me a tragedy? Now we’re all seeing hazy. I got attached to you emotionally and to you sexually, but I can’t let that take control of me. Searching everyday for the peace I need; 24 opened a new door for me, but we said we’d depart in peace. Now your on my FB feed using blog posts to manipulate me. Take a left; 25 is around the corner. I can’t lose anymore honor. Remember me. When you graduate with your degree just remember me. When you get your R.D just remember me. When I’m off an SPT just remember me. When you get your M.D just remember me. When that random 213 pop on your screen please remember me. A misunderstood being. I look face to face at the real me; then I smile as I lean forward to embrace everything. You say you hate me then excuse yourself because you’re an emotional being. Why did you still want to date me once I said we’re finished dating? Wasn’t I controlling? Now your spreading that around; why are you trolling me? Try to make love not enemy. Focused on myself so you can envy me instead of empty me. I’m a sensitive being. It’s hard to decipher when you’re speaking truth or when you’re speaking off a feeling. Keep it real with me. There’s no obligation bro you don’t have to deal with me. They try to feminize me, but when I don’t bend they vilify me. You’ll be like 643 miles from me. And you’re just down the road between 1 mile and 3. From “I love you” to unable to stand me. What pushes men to this degree? I don’t know, but just remember me. Peace.
Orlando Blues
February 5, 2018
Throw vile on me. You plus you equals two. I plead guilty. However, I’m returning to the real me because it is real as I can be. They’ve been shooting all this guilt my way trying to trip me. Mix your words with tears; it’s always worked on me. My honesty has me feeling like I’m trying to sabotage me. Enough, I’m going to let my conscience take the lead. I cannot shoulder all the guilt you throw on me. We both share responsibility. The partitioning act infiltrated us externally. You wouldn’t speak up to mommy, and you wouldn’t put a check on Ebony. You just left me in defeat, but after each scene you reassured me and said sorry. Now I’m at war with a family, and the only way we could speak is via counseling. They pay it forward to me. I understand now; the blood tie will always be thicker than a tie to me. You always end up with a livid spirit when I talk about your kin. I can respect the loyalty. I toughed it out because I believed you were the one for me; well that plus my insecurity. I felt like nobody wanted me. Without you I felt like I would forever be on my lonely. Damn I’ve got to watch what I reap! We need pull over for gasoline not to act sexually. Baby G please forgive me. Cause I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve said sorry. Now I’ve got to stroll back to my authenticity. I have got to reclaim my name Bakari. Bakari means promising, but I promise I won’t sell you any dreams. I’ve always had a propensity for intensity. I feel like I have a propensity for girls to resent me. At least if you hate me you are going to hate me and not a figurative being. I cannot afford the fare for this guilt trip, so I’m not going.
Mocha Latte
February 1, 2018
Why are you acting all heroic? Man I’m acting like I’m stoic, but I still gave the world a notion. Lust mixed with trust is a dangerous potion. You might mistake it for love, but I was diving in it swimming in an ocean. We’ve come far from strokes with lotion to full body motions. From “Hey how’s it going?” to busting walls right open. Yikes. If you only knew you would despise me. You plus you equals two; Steve just said I’m grimy. Now you deprive me of your words and your curves, but it’s alright because I’m grinding. One day I will be shining, and I hope you all catch a glimpse of me in the best lighting. Pussy power can be frightening. Baby girl I’d love for you to notice me, but you are no longer a need. We have created a fine trilogy. There you go. Now you have a story and some history. We’re on part three…the part where you ignore me. You and your girls pulled up on me. They tired to threaten me where I used to sleep. The audacity. I guess I did send you shots of you posing on FT candidly. I was in my feelings. I wasn’t threatening. I should’ve stayed home that night, but I learned my lesson. I grew up the night I got to stepping out the house. I no longer crave a spouse; it’s just that scent of her blouse has got me feeling so aroused. Thank you Aj for keeping me from the loud. Douse me with affirmation. Don’t pour on me no degradation. I had a lady friend that’s Haitian, and my dad is Jamaican. He admonished me to claim it. I was chill off it, and now she’s taken. Why you butchering my name? I don’t agree. No amen. You should be ashamed because if I played that game you’d hide your head in shame. It looks like I can no longer order any mocha lattes. Girl I’m sorry for the heartbreak.
September 25, 2016
February 1, 2018
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Praying for holy matrimony, but I stumble into girls that don’t have the same passion for me. Sometimes I think karma is coming to catch me. I’m just trying to be set free from this curse that has been set on me. I cry when I’m alone and then smile publicly so these people can’t sense my vulnerability. I can’t let these females get an edge on me. There’s just too much sensitivity projecting from me. Gather around the table because it’s counsel I need, but then these counsels confuse me. I’m just influenced by all the proverbs I read. Going back and forth causes instability. Expecting a different outcome while practicing the same actions is insanity. I won’t act as if my insecurity hasn’t messed with another humans sanity. Pray for sanctity. I always pray that for me, but when I don’t hear any answers I wonder if these prayers are just a part of my conditioning. Maybe the answer is right in front of me. Someone says they don’t have the same care for me then I twist their words into a riddle and convince myself that that’s not what they really mean. What’s happened to my train of thinking? And I’m struggling not to let society brainwash me. If it were up to them they’d have me believe the black man was below everybody. Then I come to my girl to try to get reassurance and she just nonchalantly responds to me. Things could be worst off though. I just hate that things effect people so relatively. The small things seem to get to me. They really seem to get to me….
Baby Girl
February 1, 2018
Forgive my intensity; I just have a propensity for action. I’m just fueled with a passion to make something happen. Now I’m stunned by her reaction. Many women have called me controlling. My old girl tried to sabotage me and I’m thinking, “Come on baby girl now you’re trolling me.” I didn’t begin to understand the game until 22. At 23 I did a lot of teaching, and at 24 I warred with her whole a family. I experienced defeat. Although I lost the war, I won a new mentality. My father admired my determination as he suggested me to leave. Peace. Damn, now there’s no more co-sign from my family, but she’s the one for me. That’s what I told me. Now I’m stuck here trying to hold me and console me and fight the temptation to return to the old me. That mindset led me to penury. That mindset almost cost me my bachelors degree. That mindset almost caused the end of me. “My wrist’s slit cause I fight with tigers.” “What am I telling these kids? I’m not a liar.” However, I promise you I’ll never work a full-time job until I work for me. Until then I’ll be your neighborhood swim teacher with a B.S. degree. I share my ideas, and they look at me stupidly. Do you see a fool in me? By now it’s nothing new to me. I’m under high scrutiny. What do I do? Act more risky. I act like I have faith in me because I have no guarantee. It’s just my choice to believe. Please say a prayer for me.
Your Founder
Wet Dream
February 1, 2018
The kid is having wet dreams. He’s dreaming of a girl that he’d love to meet. He’s dreaming of a girl that he’d love to see. But is it just a dream or is it memories? Is he thinking about a girl that he’d once seen? Freeze. He draws his eyes up to the sky. Looks around, tilts his head back, and closes his eyes. Could it have been ‘her’ Painted Black Thighs? The camera pans up slowly, but she’s in disguise. Why? He sits up; he can’t fall asleep. For he knows the subtle difference between a dream and a memory. He’s picturing that girl that he’d love to see, but then he asks himself the question “dream or just a memory?” Sigh. His head falls back; he rubs his eyes. His body is in constant plot against the plot of time, so he sits up rocking back and forth and begs the sun to rise. Two heavy weights gain jurisdiction of his eyes. He tumbles slowly out his bed. Does she live in reality or is she in his head?
His life is a romantic tragedy. For he obsesses about a girl that he’s never seen. He deems himself incompetent. Is he really lonely or is he just alone? Either way he’s sick of it. Yet his peers consider him an optimist, so he smiles in every face just to portray the opposite. His life just keeps on going, but there’s no stop on it. He is on a constant venture in his mind. He’s trying find something to fill the void in his heart, so finding a fickle girl is probably where he’ll starts. Addicted to putting emotion over reason. And he’s trying to fight that demon, but its hard when his drive changes settings like a season. One day he’s burning up then the next day he’s freezing. He is floating on cloud nine then the next thing he’s weeping.
Lonely
February 1, 2018
On the path less traveled man it’s lonely. I had to separate myself from some homie’s. He’s a beast twisting in the sheets, and you have a woman falling in lust with your physique. Sheesh. Tell that girl capeesh. I’m not about to sit around and talk about pussy. I’m no longer stressing over any woman because I’ve found my vision. My mindsets floating somewhere in the distance. Extreme growth always requires the path of most resistance, but they think I’m tripping. I’m skipping around in my mind like I’m lifted, but I thank God on December 24 I didn’t give in. I made a decision. Then the spotlight hit the dash, and I was shivering. The police toting his gun on his waist could have finished me; cause I was in the cut on my lonely. I left a house because my mind needed honing. Home is where the heart is, so that’s where I’m going. Tithe is 20%. I just spent 20.79 but I found 20. What a blessing. God is blessing. I’m God’s blessing. I have a million dollar dream with a million dollar scheme. Once Robee’s World hits the screen they’ll start to believe. What once was a dream is now reality. I just chose to believe, so you can no longer keep it away from me. Sometimes my thoughts overwhelm me; they’re racing still. I should probably dose an Addie so I can stay still, but I’m still in His will. How does one expect to breathe when they’re suffocated? How do you expect me to just “be” when I’m so creative? I just keep creating. Why have you forsaken me? Girl text back; why you always playing? Take 5 E, and take me seriously. Don’t treat me simple it’s really simple. My life’s about to get really eventful…
Just Some Thoughts... 