Addie Free Bakari

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I could have perused dentistry, but I perused PT. Leave that for Chanice. “Myself” is trying to convince “me” that’s still to much focus for me. Dissonanced being. Capped mentally. She. Was. Mean…but I won’t return that energy. I have to retire my mom before 60….not before pre-retirement at 63. Mind stop playing me. My. Heart. Is. Too. Sweet. I struggle not to let you penetrate the exoskeleton and get to the mushy gushy. You can’t have emotionality and physicality on me, so I choose celibacy. I wish I could credit it to my morality. Read. Read. I’m going to figure out this being. God save me. God raise me. I get ridiculed for transparency cause I share these blogs on FB feed. Then the masses can judge me, and I’m embarrassed but, “I cannot delete.” Then I take down because of family. Deconstructed socially. No addition to popularity. I volunteered this information to help somebody…somebody who is feeling the same as me…someone who is set up perfectly but is still battling with their mentally. I’m struggling to connect with those around me…and the ones I do connect with I make sure I keep them at good distance…about arms length away from me. CSPT. I just don’t trust they can feel as deeply. Rationality please fall on me. I cry at the thought of loosing mommy because mommy has always shown a genuine care for me. Now I’m isolated. It’s tough embracing the thoughts of a fragmented being.

Bakari! Bakari! You’re name means promising, so please fulfill what you have promised me. How did Julian die though? Was it from an accident? Was it in his sleep? “God please don’t tell me it was because of his mentally! You know that could have should have been me!” We only spoke a couple times, but from his gaze I knew we shared similar mentality. I saw them say R.I.P Tamar, but moments later the world seemed to be back up on its feet…operating flawlessly. Then I told myself if I die I want them to praise me. It’d give my haggard ego relief. Drum major instinct. Am I still here because I been favored genetically? Not perfect but having had the privilege of being approached because of beauty. What if I never had that opportunity? What if my family wasn’t so respected in the community? What if it was me instead of him who was exposed to herpes? What if I didn’t have religion to instill the fear in me? Would I still be? Questions. Questions. Those are some real questions for me….

Keep pushing Bakari…