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A glance from the past…
I practice my penmanship because my thoughts are critical. I don’t need any incentive. I’m just working on the vulgar lips. Vulgar things can happen with the lips that lie between her hips, and then I tell my friends and they just laugh at it. I’m partitioning His grace now because a couple swipes right turned into real life. Thinking, “What’s with all the hype?”, but I found out one night. And I’ve honestly just about had it although I’ve never “had it.” Judgement can judge me, but circumstance please don’t split my family. The job description included like 200 miles between you and we. I’m praying for all these girls, but I need to pray for peace. I just need peace of mind as my mind fishes to find a place of solace in this life. However, the social climate of this world makes anything spiritual look “spiritual” to me. It’s kind of misty, and now I’m stuck on E without the high beams. Turning 22 didn’t fill me. Spending time in her room didn’t fill me. It was January, and staring at a tomb didn’t fill me. Her ingestion of my future sons and daughters as if it was spoom didn’t fill me. Quit that shit. Now I got to get some more Fruit of the Loom. Can You fill me? A lot of energy has been expended, but my guard has been up. We have both been trying to conserve everything that is left of us because it’s not much. Time ages things, but I was born to be young. Times change things. Imagine thinking about things that you would never do. Imagine having thoughts that your younger mind couldn’t construe. Lord please forgive us forgive for our mental sin, but I’m all covered in sin. I’ve got vices, and I’ve been living on the whim of some second hand prayers. Then I say a prayer, but only because she appeared. It’s easy to become religious when it comes to her or her. “Lord please bless me as the clock ticks faster and my joints churn slower.” And I am still effected by the social conditioning. A younger me liked to stay in air conditioning. We dreaded hearing the statement, “Man you all got darker.” Yes my skin strayed further from European. I remember my older brother playing Dark Vader just without the pay. Then he became “The Color Purple”; well at least that’s what all the kids would say. Self-hate inevitably followed, but then winters soft sun would lessen our problems…. What if we were all faceless? What if a women’s personality determined the quality of her make up? I just hope that I can make it back to the place from which I’ve strayed from. This is a writer’s plea as he treks on back to wherever the hell he came from.
Sometimes I just want my thoughts to be simple. I’ve been sweating small stuff since I was a little one. If I toke a blunt will I be simple? I have been contemplating this question for a minute now. I’ve been struggling for a minute now, and I haven’t seen a girl for a minute now. I haven’t seen my old girlfriend in a minute now. My mind’s been occupied for a while now, and everything has been moving so fast now. I’m silently asking God to slow the time down. I also wonder if he could slow my mind down. The black man has been getting slaughtered for a while now. They’re going to gun that nigger so they can smile now, but we’ve been calling our brothers “my nigga” for a while now. God how can I immensely help my people? There have been so many activists over the years, but we’re still not treated equal. What can I do for my people? They might slaughter me just as fast as a white man if they feel the need to. It doesn’t matter how trivial. We are so blood thirsty; term it the “Black on Black Evil.” But I’ve been trying to remedy my mind for a while now. I’ve been struggling with some things since a child now. Just don’t catch me in my room though, and God please watch me when I lie down. I’ve fed into a lie since a baby. I never thought my vices would catch up to me, but they seem to be coming at 100 miles now. What am I about? I constantly ask myself that question when I’m thinking to constrain myself or act out. I just hate playing the part for a role I didn’t try for. I will liberate me, so I ink up my skin looking to ignore your opinion. I’ll just wait for it to sink in. Always give your thoughts some time to sink in…. I’ve always over thought things, so it’s hard to stop thinking. Even with all the social hierarchy and white supremacy I fight not to conjure any animosity. “Eye for an eye the whole world would go blind. Tooth for a tooth then we would all know the truth. Head for a head then we all would be dead.” Prejudice will always exist; you just have to know how to control it. When is the last time you hung-out with the homeless? A mission trip in Miami taught me not to call it homeless but just houseless. I bought into it, but classism still exists. The world tells you you’re better because you have more resources. It’s the same concept when it’s applied to the color of your skin. I thought Jesus was white since I was a baby. I based this on the pictures that they fed me. Learning about the civil rights struggle made it hard to think that Jesus had a veritable agape or philos love for me. Could this guy really be my “daddy” when not to long ago his offspring beat me? Nah. As I’ve grown older, I know perception shapes one’s reality. Pray that our perception doesn’t come from our skin color but what is true of us in reality. “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal”, so we deserve equality….
I feel obligated to educate these women about the scheme, but a lot of girls want what they don’t need. They’d rather flaunt a well known dude that they can’t keep. His eyes are ravenous for some other little shortie. I’m praying to myself like “Lord don’t give me a second hand shortie.” Then I’m reminded that my apple’s landed pretty far from the tree. I’m trying to watch what I reap. I better watch what I reap. And I am living black in America and I am black as I can be, but my people feen about other ethnicities. I’m not going to announce my Caribbean descent like that’s going to harbor me some more prestige. That’s like having a denunciation in hopes to separate you from your people at your own party. Baby girl your parents are from Africa, but it’s not the “pure” African in you they see. You’re just a black nappy headed shortie. You’re born with some soft texture in your roots and now you are better then me? Tell me if that officers gun barrel can decipher between your race and your ethnicity. Your skin screams “Kill me!” Sorry sweetie black is all they see…but black is not all you can be. Black is associated with laziness among this society. So when I’m at work and I work some are taken back like it’s surprising. To be black is to be violent, misinformed, and probably a little irrational or even crazy. I won’t act like my emotions have never invaded me, jaded me, then caused me to act irrationally. However, I am also human as can be. We all are human as can be. So why does color create such a discrepancy? Why do I still have white students that question me? Asking, “Why are you brown skinned?” I respond “I was born that way. I guess you could say it’s heavenly.” And heaven is where I say I want to be, but its hard to ignore my spiritual conditioning. Sometimes I wonder if my beliefs are even my own or do they need repositioning. I’m trying trying to live a life so full someone will remember me. I don’t want you to lose complete thought of me in 56 weeks. That’s what this one girl said she’d do if we stopped talking. Do these girls have any love for me? These broken girls don’t open up to anybody. These girls lack the passion and intensity. Well at least if I do you grimy I know you will return to a place of serenity…although maybe more closed to the guy that trails behind me. All this vanity I speak because not much good is left within me. I was already born in sin and shaped in iniquity. I silently repeat to myself, “It’s all about the timing.” It’s hard to exercise patience when I’m constantly on my own timing. God help we. God help me.
We say we’re ready, but can that be really be measured? Remain steady. Pray. Love. Have faith. That’s what the preacher says. That’s what my teachers say. It’s graduation day, and I have 19 minutes to be ready. All these past memories are starting to give me a headache. I’ve always wanted to inspire, but sometimes my desires seem get in the way. I’m tired, but I decide to write. I feel like until I actually do something, I’d rather just stay out of sight. My aspirations actually scare me. Thinking, “will these be things I can ever achieve?” Will I ever be ready? Will my emotions ever remain steady? Will these girls ever reciprocate the feeling? Now the pain starts to creep in. Pain won’t break me. Pain is not going to take me, but it never seems to forsake me. Rationality please fall on me…so my emotions don’t puppet me. And I’d love for her feelings to covet me. I’d also love to heal my mothers knee. That’s probably why I’m aiming for physiatry. I’m always brawling with my intensity, and I’m always wishing for a chiller me. I’m always thinking about a better me. God heal me. I think back to the times when I was a little me. My struggles were in the little league, but time always seems to breed complexity. As of late, time has been catching up to me. Does the issue lie with her or does it lie with me? My mind’s been running; tell it to slow down on the grips. Slow down with those hips. All I want is wisdom. All I want to do is make the right decisions. Let me get the template because it’s the tears that I hate. If I’m going to get stronger it’s something I should embrace. My only plan now is to chase my opportunity….
I will probably be a martyr. Then I ask God for forgiveness for offending His sons and daughters. I’ll also ask Him, “Why do I have to be a martyr.” Then I stare down at my skin and notice it’s a bit darker and realize that’s a problem. They will probably try to tear me down because I am an imperfect being. They’ll probably turn 1 speeding ticket into something imposturous so they can formally push their lawsuits. Once my character is in question they’ll let propaganda do what it has to. I know this to be true because I have already attacked by my own people. Fortunately, that anonymous girl didn’t convince her that I would control her diet. People have been trying to sabotage me. Unfortunately, there were probably some of you that did believe. I thought I was low-key because you’ve never seen me blow trees, and before college started I was retired from college parties. But she will always have something to say about me. However, I am no anomaly. Just take a look at Bill Cosby. What happened to the phrase “innocent until proven guilty”? I know a feminist from my HBCU that protests against him publicly. Lord please don’t let a black man slaughter me. I know we have a fighters mindset, but please calm all self-hostility. I used to think this was an existential crisis, but this is reality. Thankfully I can reveal myself to you before you reveal myself to me. Say what you may, but I will let my blog speak for me. Sometimes my impatience is hard to control when it’s mixed with my intensity. Sometimes my virginity is hard to maintain when she keeps messaging, and at times my resort for pain has left scars on my body that made people question me. But if God is for me who can be against me…. It even says my enemies will be at peace with me. Now I’ll close my eyes because that’s the peace I need. This man has got it and really gives it? I promise I’m just speaking my life into reality.
Consequently,
Your Founder/Chief Executive Officer
He is no militant man, but based on his stance you might have to question that. He is a diligent man, and he will do what he says. He will work harder for himself than he will work for you. Therefore he is ruler over his own destiny. His motivation isn’t based on your pennies worth of incentives, but he just moves off the sense of self that he has been blessed with. He will share that blessing. His physical and his mental being are in alignment with what the Word says, so if he should reap what he has sown he should reap a basket of woes. He shouldn’t reap a wife because he’d been “Sowing Hoes”. However, he believes in the phrase “I Forgive You.” And Dad “I Love You” but, please stop suggesting potential wives. Under divine rule he has obtained control of his mind, so when “Your Painted Black Thighs” peruse his eyes he maintains a calm state of mind. His words will be chosen carefully, and his negative thoughts will be replaced by thoughts of the quality of life he plans to have. He maintains control over his yearning to frequently return to “The Batcave” because he realizes he won’t be accepting melodies from the lyre just the Liar that says his life is not worth it and that he’s worthless. He was once told he was ugly. Then he grew a little and was told he was pretty. He realized shifting his basis of self worth to rely on external beauty is “Hogwash” because he began to tell himself “I’d Die Young” so he would die pretty. Beauty fades with age. Beauty grey’s with age. He will just thank the Lord he learned to embrace pain. He’ll thank the Lord he didn’t have to get “Stoned” mid December in order to escape pain. Because it did hurt in November when she didn’t text back, and it was a slight setback. However, pain isn’t fatal, so there is no need to be “Cradled” every time “Those Slum Days” come around. And no “Down Girl! Down!”, but please stand up girl. Stand and assume the proper stance beside a man and not down on your hands and knees. If you are reading this, this a more effective way he has developed to communicate his feelings without being an “Extremist or Extremely Passionate”. He no longer has the “Harsh Dependency” of needing a cute girl on his side because he has a beautiful wife. He is no longer a “Masochist” to himself. For he realized if he continued his actions he would leave his mother saying “I Have A Funeral To Attend”. He revere’s the words of men such as Martin Luther King Jr, and someday his words from “Luthor” will touch someone in the same manner. Essentially, he realized that his state of mind was directly proportional to “The Greater Scheme” of his life. Therefore, he maintains his faith as his path is “Heaven Bound”.
Consequently,
Your Founder/Chief Executive Officer
I’d want you to remember that I’d help you if you needed it. And when was younger I could feel for you when you were feeling it. In fact, Craven was my boy although he was houseless. Houseless but not phone less, so he sent good morning text forwards encouraging me. Then I’d ride around in privilege as he walked downtrodden up University. He’d say, “Good morning world, have a great day all.” From his phrasing I assumed it was more than me that he had involved. I must have been like 19. I was always striving to do the right thing even though the outcome could have been frightening. I let him know the remedy for his tooth aches could be pacified with dentistry. I was referring to an auntie and a future dentist, which back then would have been me. But a superman has fallen far from up in the sky. I see the twinkle in her eye; she’s probably thinking that I’m a great guy. However, darling I can’t save you. Because with superficial surfaces there is less pressure and the faces are so much more serene. Back when I was like 17 I was probably the guy you prayed for. But these days I’ll come up with reasons for you to stay for. But I still got girls that I pray for even though lately I’ve been wayward. And I enjoy the linguistics, but I’ll hop down from this peddle stool before they think a mind’s twisted. Cause only few will think that I’m God’s gifted. Disregard the tapestry of the writing I want more logos and ethos for me. I’m trying to iron out all the kinks in my life, but I’m still waiting because I have yet to do it. I’m just trying to stay an optimist as I endeavor to remain positive. But I’ve been sick even though I’m a doctors kid. And my friends has got a hit list. Just pray for the girls that end up on it. There’s no loyalty to any social constructs. These days girls love what they don’t need. The ingestion of his seed didn’t satisfy her needs. Then there’s a subtle transformation of a good guy just to fulfill his needs. Because there’s no love in this. Sorry for the plot twist, but it’s a different generation. The only thing that’s really consistent with this nation is the hatred of another man because of his skin color. I just wear drug rug hoodies for steez because it’s getting colder. I got a solid head between my shoulders, but as I look over my shoulder I see an older white lady staring at me. She then proceeds to ask me to prove that I am not a thief. I quietly pull out my receipt hopping to ease stereotypes she has of me. She then proceeds to have concern for a brother saying, “Oh sweetie I thought your barbering mirror was broken”, but I just leave unspoken…. No one can cure the young black man disease. And it’s been a little since I’ve been down on my knees to call out to God, but you should pray for her as she’s down on her knees. Cause she’s not praying for me. You can say a prayer for this nation. I’ll just be praying to find some inner peace.
There is no need to be judgmental. And although her influence is instrumental, we all have sins of our own. She just sings hers a little louder. We’re just seeking someone to look up to. And she was looking to be influenced so one day she could be influential. But I’ve learned we should be careful of our desire to admire people who we think we’d like to be. I don’t know you yet, but if you run across this here are my words of admonition. Set up some kind of moral basis for yourself. Don’t get too disheartened if you stray from the standard you set up in your youth and innocence. It happens to the best of us. Stay nostalgic however. Always yearn to return to the standard you once set for yourself. Understand that time changes things. Time ages things. Time may taint your innocence, and you may become two-faced with your sins. Some days rationality and morality will discern your reason; other days you may be emotionally reasoned. You’ll feel like a hypocrite, and you will get tired of it all. However, you will just have to learn from your mistakes. People will always judge you, and you will always have preconceptions of people. Never act as one who is infallible. Never try to convince people of your character, but rather let your actions paint a caricature of you. Again, be careful who you choose to look up to. If you’re not about what many guys will come at you for, then be careful around females who are. For he neglected bowflex and chose to exercise his index between her legs. She allowed it. Then the index became a little denser. Now she’s an addict. My mother always told me that her mother always told her , “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you who you are.” So show me someone striving for perfection only in utter hopes of achieving some kind of excellence. I hope I told you and showed you I love you, so when another man tells you this it won’t temporarily fill a void in your heart. And “Unto third and fourth generation” of me may cause you and your seed to do somethings that will make God displeased. So please forgive me. I’m just writing to you from future aspirations of me…your father to be. And I would like to say again that I love you. I’ll start practicing from now because pain has caused me to use this phrase lightly. And “Mama/Daddy I love you. My blog speaks for me, but hope I made you proud.” I hope she makes you proud. For if I reap what I have sowed life will owe me a basket of woes. Therefore, I want you know that I love you in the way I treat all the other daughters around me…. So say a prayer for me. Please. The devil will soon be coming for me. I think I have relayed to you what I needed to. I understand my voice grows faint with my age, but my words still carry relevance. I hope God allows me to recieve you from my Womb to Be. Until then, stay safe while I strive to show my love for you. So please forgive me Keke, Corey, Ms. Rose, Ms. Peña, Kay, and young Des. Thanks.
To my precious little lady,
Your Father
I feel like I’m 21 and divorced; God I need some. I’m feeling loyal to a girl that I haven’t won. And ultimately my faith lies in You or in this world, but either way I don’t foresee “fun”. I can sing, “It Is Well” then burn in hell screaming, “Why am I the one You have forsaken?” Or since they call me Munk, become monk, and restrain my cum until the day I’m done. Damn. At least I’ll see the ones who’ve gone on before me, but as of late I’ve just been feeling so earthly. It’s fear that’s been instilled in me. I fear God so much sometimes I forget that He’s supposed to love me. Freshman year I was condemned to hell because of my jewelry, yet she didn’t even take the time to hear my story. Flipped the script and traded in slit wrists for a pierced lip. Pain for pain. Traded in hospital bed grips for a tatted chin. Win for win. Sometimes the pain that hides within might seep out on your skin. Dang.
However, I won’t justify anything. But little brother and little sister are out here with their javelins. I speak my thoughts, and they’re ready to throw it at my sins. And I used to be the same way with my older brother until I fell in my pit. I may not drink, smoke, or party, but I’m still struggling. Doing things that my younger self would never do. Thinking thoughts my baby mind couldn’t construe. And lately deaths been in the waters; it’s been stirring up the seas. It’s messing with my ship; it’s trying to drown me. I don’t want another shift in the dynamics of my family. She’s been sick for soo long, but I’m just thinking of me. I won’t front and act as if I ever really knew her, so please save the condolences because my cold shoulders’ becoming frost bitten and it’s only turning bluer. And I know my right to pursue happiness, but life never opted to be kind to the pursuer.
Yesterday, I traded in some sick shit for some righteousness. Instead of taking a weekend trip for a quick fix I’ll be “working” on my sins. So does that make me pious?! Nah. And gramps is choosing death over the suffering. Damn. Their matrimonies’ been a couple decades in the making. Man…
Just Some Thoughts... 