You can scroll the shelf using ← and → keys
There is no need to be judgmental. And although her influence is instrumental, we all have sins of our own. She just sings hers a little louder. We’re just seeking someone to look up to. And she was looking to be influenced so one day she could be influential. But I’ve learned we should be careful of our desire to admire people who we think we’d like to be. I don’t know you yet, but if you run across this here are my words of admonition. Set up some kind of moral basis for yourself. Don’t get too disheartened if you stray from the standard you set up in your youth and innocence. It happens to the best of us. Stay nostalgic however. Always yearn to return to the standard you once set for yourself. Understand that time changes things. Time ages things. Time may taint your innocence, and you may become two-faced with your sins. Some days rationality and morality will discern your reason; other days you may be emotionally reasoned. You’ll feel like a hypocrite, and you will get tired of it all. However, you will just have to learn from your mistakes. People will always judge you, and you will always have preconceptions of people. Never act as one who is infallible. Never try to convince people of your character, but rather let your actions paint a caricature of you. Again, be careful who you choose to look up to. If you’re not about what many guys will come at you for, then be careful around females who are. For he neglected bowflex and chose to exercise his index between her legs. She allowed it. Then the index became a little denser. Now she’s an addict. My mother always told me that her mother always told her , “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you who you are.” So show me someone striving for perfection only in utter hopes of achieving some kind of excellence. I hope I told you and showed you I love you, so when another man tells you this it won’t temporarily fill a void in your heart. And “Unto third and fourth generation” of me may cause you and your seed to do somethings that will make God displeased. So please forgive me. I’m just writing to you from future aspirations of me…your father to be. And I would like to say again that I love you. I’ll start practicing from now because pain has caused me to use this phrase lightly. And “Mama/Daddy I love you. My blog speaks for me, but hope I made you proud.” I hope she makes you proud. For if I reap what I have sowed life will owe me a basket of woes. Therefore, I want you know that I love you in the way I treat all the other daughters around me…. So say a prayer for me. Please. The devil will soon be coming for me. I think I have relayed to you what I needed to. I understand my voice grows faint with my age, but my words still carry relevance. I hope God allows me to recieve you from my Womb to Be. Until then, stay safe while I strive to show my love for you. So please forgive me Keke, Corey, Ms. Rose, Ms. Peña, Kay, and young Des. Thanks.
To my precious little lady,
Your Father
I feel like I’m 21 and divorced; God I need some. I’m feeling loyal to a girl that I haven’t won. And ultimately my faith lies in You or in this world, but either way I don’t foresee “fun”. I can sing, “It Is Well” then burn in hell screaming, “Why am I the one You have forsaken?” Or since they call me Munk, become monk, and restrain my cum until the day I’m done. Damn. At least I’ll see the ones who’ve gone on before me, but as of late I’ve just been feeling so earthly. It’s fear that’s been instilled in me. I fear God so much sometimes I forget that He’s supposed to love me. Freshman year I was condemned to hell because of my jewelry, yet she didn’t even take the time to hear my story. Flipped the script and traded in slit wrists for a pierced lip. Pain for pain. Traded in hospital bed grips for a tatted chin. Win for win. Sometimes the pain that hides within might seep out on your skin. Dang.
However, I won’t justify anything. But little brother and little sister are out here with their javelins. I speak my thoughts, and they’re ready to throw it at my sins. And I used to be the same way with my older brother until I fell in my pit. I may not drink, smoke, or party, but I’m still struggling. Doing things that my younger self would never do. Thinking thoughts my baby mind couldn’t construe. And lately deaths been in the waters; it’s been stirring up the seas. It’s messing with my ship; it’s trying to drown me. I don’t want another shift in the dynamics of my family. She’s been sick for soo long, but I’m just thinking of me. I won’t front and act as if I ever really knew her, so please save the condolences because my cold shoulders’ becoming frost bitten and it’s only turning bluer. And I know my right to pursue happiness, but life never opted to be kind to the pursuer.
Yesterday, I traded in some sick shit for some righteousness. Instead of taking a weekend trip for a quick fix I’ll be “working” on my sins. So does that make me pious?! Nah. And gramps is choosing death over the suffering. Damn. Their matrimonies’ been a couple decades in the making. Man…
Disclaimer: This entry was written for myself. This entry was written for you.
I have seen it go something like this: Party, church, altar call. Or like this: Fornication, church, altar call. Or this: Drinking/smoking, church, altar call. Or even this: Cheating, church, altar call. These are some of the paradoxes that are much too familiar to myself and my Christian peers. A week ago I got to visit one of my older siblings that went away for college. He had managed to escape from having a roommate this semester, so every time I go visit him I am comfortably housed. Although I went on the weekend his school was going on spring break, I was still able to enjoy my stay and keep myself pretty occupied for the duration of the time I was there. On Friday night, my brother causally asked me if I wanted to go with him and his friends to Zaxby’s. I opted to go with him for the ride, but I told him that I’d prefer not to buy anything on the Sabbath. He said okay. On Saturday morning, I woke up early to go to Sabbath school, but my brother cautioned me that no one was going to be there that early. I proceeded to go anyway, and although his statement was a bit exaggerated, it was somewhat true. Later on that evening I was doing an entry for my blog and noticed that the sun was setting. I made a comment about it and suggested to him and his friend that we close the Sabbath. I was totally ignored.
At this point I was thinking, “Do you still practice your religion?” I soon was reminded that I had no authority to judge my brothers actions, and a question came to my mind. If I was under such scrutiny would my peers or someone who is not of my faith consider me to be a Christian? The rest of the weekend I just observed and joined in on different conversations when I could. The prevailing topic of the weekend was getting everything in order for a trip to PCB (Panama City Beach) my brother and a couple of his friends were taking for spring break. Part of me wanted to tag along on the trip, but I knew I wouldn’t be involved in most of the activities that went on. Plus I had school work that still needed to be done. I was still intrigued as my brother and his friend frantically tried to tie up the loose ends of the trip on Sunday night…. They planned to leave Monday morning. Nevertheless they made it and enjoyed themselves.
He brought back footage of some of the parties they went to and even told stories about some of the crazy stuff that happened while they were there. I thought it was pretty ironic that he happened to run across so many of the students at the university I attended at the parties he went to. I pretty much knew or had seen most of the people he mentioned. I had seen some in passing while I walked the campus or at AY…singing songs of praise on the podium.
For years, I seriously thought that preachers would slightly exaggerate when they talked about students going to AY on Friday nights and then being at the parties the other nights of the week. I was oblivious because of my absence at these functions; however, this entry spans beyond the attendance of my peers these clubs or house parties. Sin is sin although we like to categorize it. How can we hear some of the most refined preachers in the Seventh-day Adventist community and not be phased by their message even if it speaks directly to us? How can we carry out some of the paradoxes listed above and not experience any transforming power in our lives? These are the kinds of questions I would ask myself when I was struggling with an addiction that took 6 years of my life to overcome.
I have friends who have had unprotected sex, almost slipped up on several occasions, but still continue to have sex. I once knew a person who contracted mononucleosis (mono) at a party from drinking off of a friend. This individual then gave the viral infection to their mother, yet a sometime later they resumed their drinking habit. I also knew a guy who literally began to see his mind and thoughts deteriorate from his heavy use of porn and masturbation, but he still continued to indulge in it for years. After all of this, why wouldn’t any of these people just stop the sin he or she was committing? Over the past year, I have seen why it is not this simple. After years and years of practicing a religion, there is a good chance a person will become numb to the teachings they have learned from their childhood. This can be observed in the fire and zeal a new believer has compared to the complacency a person that is a 3rd generation believer of the faith has. I believe that all of the resources an individual has may in fact handicap that person, giving them the “blessings and convictions” they need one day only to have them performing an all out sprint to their sins the next day.
Sometimes a person has to have an experience which leaves them so repulsed with and helpless to their sin that they are willing to place every effort of themselves into God’s hands to help them overcome it. But until them…let em’ sin.
Hey. Hi there. Hello. Umm I’m sorry…I just get kind of nervous at the thought of you. Please excuse me. I just need to run to the bathroom to dry my hands real quick. Okay, there we go. My name is Bakari. What’s yours? Ohh that’s a pretty cool name. Are you American? Cool! I was born in the states, but I rep Guyana all day every day. So you must know about that cook up rice and cook curry! Ha ha, that’s too cool. We may have to throw down in the kitchen sometime! So tell me more about yourself. What are some of your aspirations in life? Personal goals? Wow, I was kinda expecting a glittery cliché to-do list. Well either that or a stuttered answer based on your lack of thought about it prior to this conversation. It’s rare to talk to a girl who has solid goals that span beyond the realm of modern academia. What steps are you presently making toward those goals? That’s awesome dude! I can definitely relate to what you’re saying, but I just try to remember that time becomes more and more scarce from here. I definitely agree with what you’re saying though.
I like your style by the way. You seem pretty comfortable in your own skin. Are you anything else besides goal-oriented and academically driven? Ha ha, oh my! I mean I’m just kind of shocked that you care about your health. I know that everyone has some degree of concern for their health, but most people our age reckon their youth makes them invincible. I visit the nursing home far to often to neglect the importance of adopting a healthy lifestyle. Are you interested in community service or things of that nature by any chance? Awesome! Maybe I could introduce you to some of my people at the nursing home one day. This is kinda random, but do you ever party? Seriously? I was just curious. It’s just most of the girls that I’m attracted to or that are attractive in general seem to be into it. I guess that’s a large portion of college girls anyway. A lot of my high school friends are into it, but I guess it wouldn’t seem that weird if I told you I’ve never been to a college party. But yea I agree. And like you said, it is a pretty good outlet for girls who want to let loose sometimes without being called a slut or a hoe.
Ha ha, how do you posses all these great qualities and manage to stay single? You Miss Independent or something? *Stands up to put on a demonstration* Okay, okay enough ha ha. I’ll sit down now. Most of my friends admit they can only manage small doses of me. Ba ha ha ha! You seem to have a unique humor yourself! Too funny! No no no. Let’s not talk about me. We are learning about you today. Okay, okay. Relax. Truth is I am a man of integrity. If I were to acquire a girlfriend that would leave thousands of other women envious. A wickedly sinful practice you know. My conscience would not allow me to take part in such self-absorbed behavior! I am single for the sake of her. And her. And for her with my Instagram picture as her screen saver. Quite frankly I don’t even know the chick. Alright, alright. No more jokes for the moment. To be honest, I am emotionally drained. I would eventually love to have someone to love, but I guess I’m just scared she won’t meet the standard established by the lady before her. I’m not trying to experience any more emotional trauma from discovering things that were triggered by misunderstood motives. I am no longe….
5:00am: Bo lu calazooom! Bo lu calazooom!
40,000 lux of blue light blasts in my face. It’s a part of my therapy. I have my devotion. I’m still confused. “She was too vivid. I couldn’t have been dreaming. I just couldn’t have.” I hop into the shower and begin my hydrotherapy. Scorching hot. Freezing cold. “Aghhh! Burrr!” Repeat. I hop out of the shower and proceed into my bedroom. It’s still dark outside. “So quite and peaceful.”
Buzzz. Text message from….
Just Some Thoughts... 