Just Some Thoughts…

"While we are encompassed by a world of problems, it is our responsibility to decide how we react." -thepositivendeavour

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Cradled

February 23, 2015 — 4 Comments

There is no need to be judgmental. And although her influence is instrumental, we all have sins of our own. She just sings hers a little louder. We’re just seeking someone to look up to. And she was looking to be influenced so one day she could be influential. But I’ve learned we should be careful of our desire to admire people who we think we’d like to be. I don’t know you yet, but if you run across this here are my words of admonition. Set up some kind of moral basis for yourself. Don’t get too disheartened if you stray from the standard you set up in your youth and innocence. It happens to the best of us. Stay nostalgic however. Always yearn to return to the standard you once set for yourself. Understand that time changes things. Time ages things. Time may taint your innocence, and you may become two-faced with your sins. Some days rationality and morality will discern your reason; other days you may be emotionally reasoned. You’ll feel like a hypocrite, and you will get tired of it all. However, you will just have to learn from your mistakes. People will always judge you, and you will always have preconceptions of people. Never act as one who is infallible. Never try to convince people of your character, but rather let your actions paint a caricature of you. Again, be careful who you choose to look up to. If you’re not about what many guys will come at you for, then be careful around females who are. For he neglected bowflex and chose to exercise his index between her legs. She allowed it. Then the index became a little denser. Now she’s an addict. My mother always told me that her mother always told her , “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you who you are.” So show me someone striving for perfection only in utter hopes of achieving some kind of excellence. I hope I told you and showed you I love you, so when another man tells you this it won’t temporarily fill a void in your heart. And “Unto third and fourth generation” of me may cause you and your seed to do somethings that will make God displeased. So please forgive me. I’m just writing to you from future aspirations of me…your father to be. And I would like to say again that I love you. I’ll start practicing from now because pain has caused me to use this phrase lightly. And “Mama/Daddy I love you. My blog speaks for me, but hope I made you proud.” I hope she makes you proud. For if I reap what I have sowed life will owe me a basket of woes. Therefore, I want you know that I love you in the way I treat all the other daughters around me…. So say a prayer for me. Please. The devil will soon be coming for me. I think I have relayed to you what I needed to. I understand my voice grows faint with my age, but my words still carry relevance. I hope God allows me to recieve you from my Womb to Be. Until then, stay safe while I strive to show my love for you. So please forgive me Keke, Corey, Ms. Rose, Ms. Peña, Kay, and young Des. Thanks.

To my precious little lady,

Your Father

Stoned

January 22, 2015

I feel like I’m 21 and divorced; God I need some. I’m feeling loyal to a girl that I haven’t won. And ultimately my faith lies in You or in this world, but either way I don’t foresee “fun”. I can sing, “It Is Well” then burn in hell screaming, “Why am I the one You have forsaken?” Or since they call me Munk, become monk, and restrain my cum until the day I’m done. Damn. At least I’ll see the ones who’ve gone on before me, but as of late I’ve just been feeling so earthly. It’s fear that’s been instilled in me. I fear God so much sometimes I forget that He’s supposed to love me. Freshman year I was condemned to hell because of my jewelry, yet she didn’t even take the time to hear my story. Flipped the script and traded in slit wrists for a pierced lip. Pain for pain. Traded in hospital bed grips for a tatted chin. Win for win. Sometimes the pain that hides within might seep out on your skin. Dang.

However, I won’t justify anything. But little brother and little sister are out here with their javelins. I speak my thoughts, and they’re ready to throw it at my sins. And I used to be the same way with my older brother until I fell in my pit. I may not drink, smoke, or party, but I’m still struggling. Doing things that my younger self would never do. Thinking thoughts my baby mind couldn’t construe. And lately deaths been in the waters; it’s been stirring up the seas. It’s messing with my ship; it’s trying to drown me. I don’t want another shift in the dynamics of my family. She’s been sick for soo long, but I’m just thinking of me. I won’t front and act as if I ever really knew her, so please save the condolences because my cold shoulders’ becoming frost bitten and it’s only turning bluer. And I know my right to pursue happiness, but life never opted to be kind to the pursuer.

Yesterday, I traded in some sick shit for some righteousness. Instead of taking a weekend trip for a quick fix I’ll be “working” on my sins. So does that make me pious?! Nah. And gramps is choosing death over the suffering. Damn. Their matrimonies’ been a couple decades in the making. Man…

Let em’ sin…

March 14, 2013 — 8 Comments

Disclaimer: This entry was written for myself. This entry was written for you.

I have seen it go something like this: Party, church, altar call. Or like this: Fornication, church, altar call. Or this: Drinking/smoking, church, altar call. Or even this: Cheating, church, altar call. These are some of the paradoxes that are much too familiar to myself and my Christian peers. A week ago I got to visit one of my older siblings that went away for college. He had managed to escape from having a roommate this semester, so every time I go visit him I am comfortably housed. Although I went on the weekend his school was going on spring break, I was still able to enjoy my stay and keep myself pretty occupied for the duration of the time I was there. On Friday night, my brother causally asked me if I wanted to go with him and his friends to Zaxby’s. I opted to go with him for the ride, but I told him that I’d prefer not to buy anything on the Sabbath. He said okay. On Saturday morning, I woke up early to go to Sabbath school, but my brother cautioned me that no one was going to be there that early. I proceeded to go anyway, and although his statement was a bit exaggerated, it was somewhat true. Later on that evening I was doing an entry for my blog and noticed that the sun was setting. I made a comment about it and suggested to him and his friend that we close the Sabbath. I was totally ignored.

At this point I was thinking, “Do you still practice your religion?” I soon was reminded that I had no authority to judge my brothers actions, and a question came to my mind. If I was under such scrutiny would my peers or someone who is not of my faith consider me to be a Christian? The rest of the weekend I just observed and joined in on different conversations when I could. The prevailing topic of the weekend was getting everything in order for a trip to PCB (Panama City Beach) my brother and a couple of his friends were taking for spring break. Part of me wanted to tag along on the trip, but I knew I wouldn’t be involved in most of the activities that went on. Plus I had school work that still needed to be done. I was still intrigued as my brother and his friend frantically tried to tie up the loose ends of the trip on Sunday night…. They planned to leave Monday morning. Nevertheless they made it and enjoyed themselves.

He brought back footage of some of the parties they went to and even told stories about some of the crazy stuff that happened while they were there. I thought it was pretty ironic that he happened to run across so many of the students at the university I attended at the parties he went to. I pretty much knew or had seen most of the people he mentioned. I had seen some in passing while I walked the campus or at AY…singing songs of praise on the podium.

For years, I seriously thought that preachers would slightly exaggerate when they talked about students going to AY on Friday nights and then being at the parties the other nights of the week. I was oblivious because of my absence at these functions; however, this entry spans beyond the attendance of my peers these clubs or house parties. Sin is sin although we like to categorize it. How can we hear some of the most refined preachers in the Seventh-day Adventist community and not be phased by their message even if it speaks directly to us? How can we carry out some of the paradoxes listed above and not experience any transforming power in our lives? These are the kinds of questions I would ask myself when I was struggling with an addiction that took 6 years of my life to overcome.

I have friends who have had unprotected sex, almost slipped up on several occasions, but still continue to have sex. I once knew a person who contracted mononucleosis (mono) at a party from drinking off of a friend. This individual then gave the viral infection to their mother, yet a sometime later they resumed their drinking habit. I also knew a guy who literally began to see his mind and thoughts deteriorate from his heavy use of porn and masturbation, but he still continued to indulge in it for years. After all of this, why wouldn’t any of these people just stop the sin he or she was committing? Over the past year, I have seen why it is not this simple. After years and years of practicing a religion, there is a good chance a person will become numb to the teachings they have learned from their childhood. This can be observed in the fire and zeal a new believer has compared to the complacency a person that is a 3rd generation believer of the faith has. I believe that all of the resources an individual has may in fact handicap that person, giving them the “blessings and convictions” they need one day only to have them performing an all out sprint to their sins the next day.

Sometimes a person has to have an experience which leaves them so repulsed with and helpless to their sin that they are willing to place every effort of themselves into God’s hands to help them overcome it. But until them…let em’ sin.

The Batcave

March 2, 2013

If I can inspire, would that fulfill my heart’s desire? As I’m sitting on my throne accepting melodies from the lyre, I’m much higher. “What?” I’m higher than I have ever been since I’ve stopped meddling with that sin. “Ohh. Okay, carry on.” Once it started to bloom, I was consumed. And I spent thousands of hours planted in the my room. I couldn’t move, but I just blamed it on the lady with the broom. She was on some shrooms, got a little confused, and then came through and cast a spell on a dude! “Wow. Man quit playing! That’s insane! So when’s the next time you trying to get some brain though?” Stop. Please don’t try and tempt me. You know if I go back down that road you know I will be left broken and feeling empty. And don’t resent me for side stepping your offer…my enemy. Just leave me be and let me continue my story of how this sinful indulgence almost destroyed me. “Okay. But always remember that you can look although you may not touch. God has already declared your victory, so there’s no rush.”

My hands and my eyes were in conjunction. I was in so deep I was unable to function. I couldn’t go to luncheon without thinking who and who was eyeing me. But nah I think I’ll just blame that on my social anxiety. And hell yea that’s propriety cause I can’t have all that guilt piled up inside me. Plus I could be free. I could be free from all the stresses of trying to pursue that girl in who’s face I’d probably hurl after she denied me. But at least I tried b. I could always run to The Batcave to hide me as I blindly searched for something to remind me of the sexual ventures I had with her. Or her. Or maybe her because her breasts were a bit larger, and she’d probably go a bit farther. “Yes! Yes! You’ve done your three months time, so you’re more than fine! Plus, what’s a college guy without a chick on his side?” Nah, I think I’ll be alright for the moment seeing that, that shouldn’t be an essential component of my coolness.

My mind was deprive of real life. My perception was surreal in fact. I looked down her back and thought those implants was her real ahh…yea. “Don’t doubt what I have shown you. For the last six years I have owned you and grown you into the lustful man you are today…well the one you were three months ago anyway. Don’t turn your back on me now!” I will not take a bow nor allow my defenses to be let down. I won’t stand here proud and act as if all my battles have been won. I’m just grateful for how far I’ve…well for how far we’ve come.

The hell’s a lame?

February 12, 2013 — 6 Comments

Disclaimer: No one is obligated to read this entry. Therefore I will not hesitate to use personal experiences to illustrate points I am trying to make.

For the majority of my life, I have tried to dodge that label. I would play it safe so I wouldn’t get raped by their words of hate…hatred towards me of course. I was pretty skilled at it too. You see, as long as I would stay in line and repress any “bright ideas” of mine I was fine. “Don’t worry about upholding the integrity of being true to yourself. Just try to blend in so you can be like the rest of them.” I tried to make myself believe that anyway. The hell’s a lame though? I guess since I have experienced such abuse I can give you an example.

…it must have been the fall semester of 2011, and I was constantly forgetting that I needed to stay clear of the young ladies. I always found some way to convince myself that simply talking to a girl was alright. So I did exactly that. I started talking to this PYT (pretty young thang) that I had no intention of getting into anything serious with. Everything was going smoothly, and my feelings for this girl eventually began to accumulate. Surprise. We were hanging out one day and decided to take a picture together. I can’t remember if we were seriously talking at this point, but all I know is that, that picture soon became her profile picture on Facebook. I was chilling thinking that everyone would be happy for us, but this was not the case. At the time I was unaware, but one of her boys became kinda hostile towards the new profile pic. No worries though; in reality he was/is a soft-spoken young lad, but behind close doors he wanted to slander me. All of a sudden comments like “Who the hell is this lame ass nigga your taking lovie dovie pictures with” were being made. Ironically, I had never even met this dude, so I began to become suspicious about why he used those words to depict me. Further investigation led me to believe that there may have been potential feelings between him and the girl I was talking to…before I came through and started talking to her.

I take it he may have been a little envious, but was there really a need to call me lame? What does this word that is often thrown around actually mean? In this situation, I assume he didn’t conjure up the word lame based on my ability to successfully talk to a female. So what was the context? I often hear many self-proclaimed “cool people” call others that they feel are lower than them lame. I never did understand why people who were supposedly so confident in themselves go the distance to put others down. Obviously not all people do this, but I have seen it happen enough for it to draw my attention.

From the brief time that I have been in college, I have observed that the people who others consider “cool” are usually just at the fore front of what everyone else is doing. So while many dudes are having sex with multiple girls, “that guy” is not only having sex with multiple girls but is also smashing the cute/seemingly innocent one’s as well. Or while everyone is fashionable in their own way, “that person” tries to take fashion to the next level by putting cuffs in his/her slim fit pants to show off the colorful patterned socks they’re wearing or by having the heaviest rotation of Jay’s. Their excess of girls or shoes is what separates them from everyone else. Now they have the authority put others down because they are cool.

Some of the people I silently admire the most are the people who are the truest to themselves. I can think of one guy who worked at the front desk of the dorm I was staying in last semester. This dude was no where near the coolest guy on campus. In fact, I witnessed instances in which people made inside jokes about him right in front of his face. He was not equipped with the latest fashion. His somewhat awkward walk was not complimented by his tall stance. The pitch of his voice didn’t help him either; however, I feel like he was/is one of the coolest people on campus. And if I mentioned his name I am sure everyone who attends the university I attended would recognize it.

If being lame means being true to yourself although others may find it unacceptably different, then I guess I’m on a mission to get there…

Primer

February 10, 2013

Disclaimer: Meditate on this concept, and don’t be afraid to giggle. That includes those of you with hardened hearts.

“In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.” -Bill Cosby

Yes, I am your primer. I mean seriously, what is wrong with you guys? Why has your life become a schedule? Why are you falling into the cycle? Just think about it for a moment. You wake up every morning and hopefully brush your teeth. Swell. Then if you are in a relationship or talking to someone you probably rush to your phone to see if your significant other has sent you a good morning text. That’s cool. And for those of you who are single, there are always the potential Instagram and Facebook notifications. It’s okay; we’re in this together. After your finished with all that, you may have your devotions. I would love to assume it came before you checked the text messages or notifications, but I’m going to take a guess and say it doesn’t. Don’t stone me if I’m wrong. You proceed to do whatever other morning rituals you have, and then you go to class or work. The lecture goes well, and you probably pat yourself on the back for taking good notes. After all, your progressing in life right? Your going to class, to make the grades, to get the degree, to get the job. There’s nothing wrong with any of this, and it would be nonsense if I told you that you were wasting your time….

I was on Facebook a couple weeks back, and I ran across a post one of my FB friends wrote. It basically said, “I don’t like school. I am just here to get a degree so can get a job to support my family.” Although that is not necessarily my attitude towards school, I totally respected what this person was saying. It was better than dropping out and deciding to pursue a rapping career. I have nothing against that either. In fact, I commend those people who are ambitious enough to do that. What if people pursued their personal goals while continuing their education however? As a Biology major, I fully understand how it feels to be consumed by your major. I also understand that “you will never find time for anything. If you want time, you must make it.”-Charles Buxton This becomes even more of a reality the older a person gets. Free time begins to dwindle, responsibilities begin to accumulate, tax jokes will soon be made, physical strength and energy usually lessen, creativity weakens, etc. Yea, the odds are pretty much against you. So why not start now?

There was a time I became so consumed by my major and other responsibilities that I began to neglect my personal goals. I wouldn’t touch my guitar for weeks at a time. I didn’t write any songs or anything at that besides in my journal or in my notes in class. I threw my fitness goals out of the window saying, “I don’t really have time to exercise.” My dream of potentially starting a blog was put to rest. The thought of going abroad to learn Spanish was forgotten. I basically had no innovation. I thought that if I got into medical school and eventually became I physician I would be thoroughly content. I would be able to support my family. I would be able to cater to people’s physical needs. I would be respected in my community. I would essentially be accomplished…or so I thought.

In the past couple of months, I have been forced to reconsider the meaning and purpose of my life. I probably shouldn’t be here today, but thank God I am. I had limited the meaning of life in my mind, so when particular things happened I felt as if my world was coming to a close. I soon began to realize that this was not true. I started to realize that I had gifts that needed to be cultivated in order for me to reach others. I would never be able to cultivate any of these gifts in the classroom either. So I began to blog and force myself to play my guitar more via video posts I made on Facebook. It was amazing to start hearing people tell me that my words were able to help them. I was humbled. I am humbled. If I neglected to start, however, this would never have happened. My peers that were encouraged by my blog would have never heard from me.

My dad and I were conversing this morning and he said something to me that still resonates in my head. We were having a conversation about some school work that needed to be done and he said, “Sometimes the hardest thing to do in life is to start.” The truth of his statement struck me, and I was compelled to write this entry for you. So now that you have been primed…

Please start…

Yes, I’m A Cheater

January 18, 2013

Disclaimer: Please don’t go report this post to my mom before reading it.

Good. Now that I have your attention I will steal the floor for a few moments. In reality, I have never cheated on any girl I’ve been in a relationship with. Feel free to ask any of them. I think I was generally a pretty decent boyfriend. None of us are perfect, yet I strived for perfection in my relationships. Yea, that caused problems. After all, you’ve seen my quote right. “Yes we’re human, but if we strive for perfection at least we can count on achieving excellence.” Who wouldn’t settle for excellence?

I’m sure you have noticed, but I like using my experiences to prove the points I am trying to make. So here we go. I often hear girls ask the question, “Why do guys cheat so much?” , or something to that extent. Last week I was on YouTube, and I happened to run across an interview that “Power 105 1’s The Breakfast Club” did with the rapper Trina. You can check it out, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVhWZEMHHZQ. Besides all the vulgar comments that were exchanged, something Trina said in the interview stuck out to me. One of the interviewers began to ask her about her past relationships and what she liked in a man. They dialogued a bit then got on the subject of cheating. She then asked that particular interviewer if he had a girlfriend. To her surprise, he had a girlfriend of thirteen years and a 3-year-old daughter. She was curious to know if he had ever cheated on this girl. After a few jokes, he admitted that he did. The female interviewer then asked Trina, “Do you believe a man can be in a committed relationship and not cheat?” Her exact response was, “I believe a man can be in a committed relationship but they’re definitely going to slide out and do some other little stuff. It’s just natural.”

When I heard her response the smirk I had on my face the entire interview immediately went away. I was thinking, “I know a lot of guys cheat, but do women really believe it’s inevitable? Granted, Trina is a rap artist who probably grew up seeing this bias about men played out. But still.

So why do so many guys have a problem with cheating? I wish I could reveal to you a truth so indubitable that it would leave no room for you to second guess me; however, I’m afraid this will not be the case. I will offer a couple of suggestions though. First, the more girls a guy messes with (particularly cute ones), the cooler he is. Yes, yes we can sit here and discuss the double standard, but why flog the dead horse? One day, while I was walking through a building on my campus named Blake Center, I overheard a couple guys talking about getting head, brain, dome, oral sex, or w/e you call it. This one dude with dreads was sitting on top of the ATM machine while his disciples listened closely to him talk about getting oral sex from this one girl at a party. He went on to tell a couple more stories after that. Something that girls often don’t understand is that looks are not a determining factor when it comes to cheating. You can look as good as you want, but that won’t stop a guy from cheating on you. I’ve seen guys with beautiful girlfriends go mess with an average/below average chick.

Second, it generally takes more for a guy to become emotionally attached to a girl than a girl to a guy. Of course there are exceptions, but that is usually the case. I wish I could tell you some of the things my guy friends have done to the girls they were talking to, but that probably wouldn’t be a smart move on my part. Especially since some of my blog posts have already been scrutinized by my mom ha ha. When you match a girl who is putting all her emotions all into a relationship with a guy who is silently nonchalant about the emotional side of a relationship there may be some cheating. At least until both of them are on the same emotional level.

Finally, I think it’s safe to say that men are pretty visual. It’s not hard to catch a guy staring at a girl’s butt or eyeing a chick as she walks by. It happens all the time. So when girls dress in an immodest way, it is just any incentive for a guy to approach her…even if he has a girlfriend. Much elaboration can be done on this point, but I would just recommend you to read my entry entitled “Your Painted Black Thighs” to get a guys perspective on the revealing clothing many women wear today.

So there you are ladies and gents. This post wraps up what I like to call the 6 Day Fury. Starting this past Sunday, I consecutively made a post each day. Feel free read the other five, “I Have A Funeral To Attend”, “Wreaking Havoc”, “The Greater Scheme”, “I Need You”, and “Please Don’t Shoot Me Down” if you haven’t already.

Thanks guys!

Your Painted Black Thighs…

January 4, 2013 — 2 Comments

Disclaimer: Racial slurs are used.

Good job ladies I must say. Bravo. I have been moved to speak on the behalf of myself and all the other guys out there who are enjoying the sights you share with us. Honestly, we are truly grateful. I mean seriously. We no longer have to creep around our dorms trying to find something to stimulate our eyes. That will make any man self-conscious. In fact, you simulate our eyes and you stimulate our “prize” possession. Yea that was a confession. I am content with my size. I will be proper enough, however, to say thank you because I consider myself a gentleman.

It’s your painted black thighs that barely shield your black skin. No offense, but I’m not directing this to Caucasian women. I attend an HBCU. Forget the skinny jeans ladies! You see, we are different from our preceding generation. Our minds are a tad more twisted. Well actually a lot more twisted. Some where along the line the paradigm was shifted. We didn’t need to stumble across our father’s “secret stash” to pick up the addiction. All we needed was the Internet. If you think about it, it eliminated a lot of the hassle too. Obscene imagery was at our finger tips. Click. And that’s about it. Our lives were changed forever. I say all for the worst, and none for the better. But it’s whatever. At least it helped us get through puberty. My gosh we were so horny!

Please excuse me for drifting off topic. I was just trying to justify my…well our lustful eyes. It’s just your painted black thighs. They’re so amazing. I…well we can see basically everything. Huh? Umm…yea like we see all your goods moving. Ohhh. I have always taken pride in my integrity of mind, so can you please stop? And you may say, “Okay dude, it’s just fashion, now shut the hell up it’s not even that serious.” Fair enough, so would it be a problem for you to stop wearing it? “Why of course not, but I don’t see why that’s necessary.” Welll let’s just say because your tempting me. Your not concerned, however. You modest women. Your sooo classy. Side note: but some of you refer to your female friends as bitches. I’m just saying. Hold on. What did I just say? Modesty!? Psshhh, forget modest. I want all these niggas on me! Well that’s what your outfit said anyway. You just like to tease us and lead us into your trap. Then ZAP! “Girrllll that nigga wack!” That’s what you said after you lured him in and played hisss…yea. “Come on ladies, come on. Lets gather around and talk about who and who is thirsty.” Random chick: Humm…”Works for me!”

And it was all fun and games until you were approached by Him. Then you ended up getting played because of all the other visual simulations. He tells you, “I just wanted to enjoy God’s beautiful creation. Girl I’m only in college!” <;– I guess he didn't realize that when he asked you out. Gotcha. Now the tables are turned, and your left hurt and confused not knowing what to do. Girl get a clue. Keep doing what you've always done. Go entice some guy with your revealing clothing. My gosh, I was just joking! Now your on Instagram posting half-naked pictures of yourself?

I do apologize for the confession. It's just your painted black thighs look amazing…