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I wonder what you see in me…cause sometimes it’s hard for me to believe in me. Imagine having to hear that he said that she said that you could be great. And you sing “Lean on me”, but that type of dependence would probably kill me. Then they’d probably have to “will” me. And I don’t have much to leave, so I’m just going to lean on me while me feeds on the compliments that you just gave me. I’m just conducting introspection on that section of my brain that has me stressing that you’ve moved onto the next thing. Likened to a game where you just next them.
I think back to a time a couple tits removed. I think back to a time minus all the flicks construed; I’m flipping through my archive, “Yea these couple pics will do.” We were all so innocent! Then we all got rid of it. Little babies having precedence, we were only worried about our relevance! But we’re still only focused on our relevance. We pray then put in work and call it heaven-sent. And I need a shower of blessings. Cause I’ve always been worried about being the next best thing to the best thing…or the next best thing to the next thing.
It says pray without ceasing, and I hear the preacher preaching. It’s enlightening. Then I think I’ve found life’s meaning. But I can’t seem to pray without ceasing; I just pray for peace of mind as I see my parents gradually deceasing. And I’m still hearing the preacher preaching. “Amen.” “Hallelujah.” I’m just waiting for it to seep in. Cause it’s funny how someone can give you something to believe in, only to leave you wide-eyed and hopelessly dreaming….
Okay today is the day. Yea, I can feel it. I love the feedback. It makes me feel good. Let me conjure something intricate. Yes yes! Let me write something down that sounds so profound it will make you scream out loud. I want to be heard, so I write. A self-conscious human being, so I type and just hope my words will touch you in the right spot. I want to produce something marvelous. I want to produce something that will have me marveled at. Therefore I struggle to come up with words, basing self-worth on what I can get you to concur with. I don’t want any arguments. Just agree. Trust me.You’re investing in my self-confidence.
I’ve produced and produce. The feedback is amazing. I re-read my work for cliché’s. There is none. Oh yes, in a few minutes they’ll be praising my work. And it’s okay. There is adequate room for my head to swell. Because as of late, I’ve been malnourished with thoughts of inferiority and going to hell. Singing hymns like “It Is Well”, yet knowing not a damn things well. So I guess I’m a liar, but my pants only seem to be on fire when I see her. Or her. Oh Lord cleanse my mind as the tights get sheerer and the urge gets stronger.
But let us return to the topic at hand. My words must create an incredible picture. And if my words were to make me great, then I would gladly accept this fate of mine. After all, everyone needs a social standing. Right? Everyone needs to create a grand reputation for himself. Sike! …I only wish I could say that with sincerity. I’m praying to the Lord not really questioning if He hears me, but I just want someone to be near me. And it just scares me that the only time I’m feeling “loved” is when a female’s near me…
“God has declared your healing even before you were yet healed. He has already declared you victory over every habitual sin even before you experienced the victory.” –Earlene Dotson
When I read this passage I had two immediate emotional responses. At first, I was elated because I have recently experienced victory over an addiction I have been struggling with for years. I was unsure how I was ever going to get over this addiction, and I just figured that my victory would come in my latter years of life when my compulsions eventually faded or when I got married. My second emotional response to this passage was skepticism. It sounded good at first because I recently had an experience in which this passage was proven to be true; however, I couldn’t help but think about all of the other people who were still struggling with an addiction or those individuals who have died from their addiction. Did God neglect or forget to provide victory for these people?
I believe He has done neither of the two, but that’s easy for me to say seeing that I have recently experienced the victory enunciated in the passage above. So where is the help for those drowning in their addiction? Where is their saving grace? What about those who have already died due to an over-indulgence in their addiction? Why didn’t God stretch out His helping hand to them?
I am not God, but I can use what God has done for me as proof that he provides a way out. I had struggled with this addiction for years, and I did not see how I was going to get over it while I was still youthful. I would pray and pray for God to aid me in overcoming my addiction, but it just seemed as if He had turned His ear against me. So I stopped praying. Nothing changed. Finally, over this past summer and last semester I was faced with the most emotional and physical pain I have probably ever had to endure. While I was being tortured by these two forms of pain, I did not see why I was presented with this trial I had no control over. Like most people, I imagined God would reach down and gently take away my desire to continue indulging in this sin I had struggled with for so many years. After all I was/am His child, so He was obligated to be delicate with me. Right? As Christians, we are many times shown the loving and merciful side of God. We are conditioned to believe that all of the mediums God’s uses to save us will be pleasant to our bodies and our souls. When we are faced with a situation that literally shakes the foundations of life that we presently stand on we fold. A lot of the times we crumble under the pressure. Through cognitive distortions such as emotional reasoning, we run to harmful outlets seeking comfort and relief from our problems. We refuse to attribute any process that will seriously challenge us physically, mentally, or emotionally to God. We have become soft and fluffy, expecting our belief in God to disqualify us from pain.
I have found that pain can refine a person however. Pain is what instigated me to form rituals for my days prior to my victory: Wake up. Proceed to my car. Cry for an hour. Put my clothes on and pick out the facade I was going to wear for the day. Go to class. Come home and then cry for about another two to three hours. Attempt to study. Go to bed. Repeat. Pain is what coerced me to take part in harmful outlets in order to gain peace of mind. Pain has left it’s permanent signature all over my body. Pain has taken me to some of the most undesirable places. Pain almost caused me to stop…. This pain has also lead to receive victory over a sin that I have lost thousands of hours of my life to. This pain has set me free from the slavery of striving to satisfy other’s views and opinions of me. This pain has prodded me to share my experience with you, hoping that some of the words I say will potentially have an impact on your life. This pain has helped me to finally find something that I have been searching for my entire life…myself.
God used a very painful experience to set me free. Learn to embrace the trails you are faced with. They could be the tool God is using to refine you into the person you were always meant to be.
Blessings.
I hope you guys had a great day this Martin Luther King/Inauguration Day. I also hope this song gives you some encouragement. (I accidently repeated the second chorus twice but you can just read the lyrics lol)
We all hope and, we all dream of
Something better, better in foresight,
That is our futures, we’d love to find, find
Greatness, greatness in our lives
So we ask today, that you help us,
And guide us, fight our battles,
Hear us Lord as we say, this prayer,
We’re scared, for we know we can’t win ourselves
Often times think, we’re all knowing,
And going, to lives as we please,
We think we’ve made it, but the truth is,
Life’s journey, is just getting started
So please lend us your hand, cause we need you
We’re no match for, what lies ahead for us
And no one can promise us success,
So we ask for your blessing, and that you would help us with…(insert prayer request)
Just Some Thoughts... 