Just Some Thoughts…

"While we are encompassed by a world of problems, it is our responsibility to decide how we react." -thepositivendeavour

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I’d Die Young

October 7, 2013 — 1 Comment

I can remember when I was a child. Everything took on the characteristic of happiness. All of my days seemed bright, and the only stress that would occasionally plague my soul was the anticipation of a spanking. Tears were rare, but I was often troubled by the slightest divergence from the moral standard I had set for myself. Conditioned to think that if I was bad I would go to hell, I would try my best to be good and do good. My moral character was constantly being exercised. I would create a superset for myself. Abstain from a lie: push-up. Maintain my integrity while taking a test: pull-up. Obey when my parents or my grandmother told me to do something: sit-up. My moral character grew, and I was becoming perfect…. I was becoming saved. The preachers words would resonate in my head. Be good. Do good. And forget the cliché’s. Maybe that’s how some of my peers felt as they sat and listened to children story after children story. After all, we were closing in on the age in which the call for us to walk down the isle and sit center stage was no longer applicable. We were supposed to be growing up, but I was still touched. This was supposed to be cool, but I was in no rush. I knew I would be young forever. I never liked hearing the old folks talk about youth. Youth was only delegated to certain people. I was born young. They were born old.

When I was young, I was good. When I was young, I did good. I did not take for granted the words that I heard in church. Often perplexed by the sinful little humans that surrounded me, I would ask myself why these kids did not want to be saved. I was a kid, and I wanted to be saved, so I was good. I did good. Everything was so easy. Puberty was unheard of, and my hormones were in good spirits. I just liked to be outside. I just liked to run around and burn off all the energy which caused a great deal of inattentiveness in my class of life. You see, I was oblivious that time was passing and that I was getting older. I was unaware that I would soon have an affinity for computer screens and obscene things. But I would always spill the beans to mother because of my conscience. It was because I was holy and into all that pious nonsense. It’s such a shameful thing, but I would soon become a teen.

I remained oblivious that time was moving and that I was getting older. I guess I never deemed it possible. I would often hear older people talk about life and the stress it can bring. What the hell are they talking about? They must be doing something wrong. Tighten up. I continued to make judgments as life continued to make subtle moves on me.

High school…

“We are praying for you and your family.” What is happening? What went wrong? No one told me what hospice was. In fact, I was relieved to see her in our worship room when I came home from school. The plethora of hospital visits were beginning to get to me. Plus after weeks of silence the doctor finally said there were signs of improvement. I was young however. I didn’t know life was making moves. That room would soon be void of life and the equipment that was only meant to ease humans to their grave. I would soon see tears from my mothers eyes for the first time. Things were changing. I was aging. I was born to be young however. I was born to be young.

College…

By this time, I should have been well aware that life was moving on me. I knew I was getting older, but I was born to be young. I knew that she could have an immense effect on me, but I continued to be touched. So I touched. But I was supposed to be perfect. It’s just something would always convince me that it would be worth it as I’d unearth hips and kiss lips. I had long strayed from the moral standard I set for myself when I was a child. I realized was growing old. I realize I am growing old. I always believed that I would die slowly, but life is moving fast. My mind often fishes around in the past hoping to renew it as the present….

Times is moving, and things are constantly changing. I always thought that I was born to be young. Then l grew up.

Just take it…

February 27, 2013 — 7 Comments

“God has declared your healing even before you were yet healed. He has already declared you victory over every habitual sin even before you experienced the victory.” –Earlene Dotson

When I read this passage I had two immediate emotional responses. At first, I was elated because I have recently experienced victory over an addiction I have been struggling with for years. I was unsure how I was ever going to get over this addiction, and I just figured that my victory would come in my latter years of life when my compulsions eventually faded or when I got married. My second emotional response to this passage was skepticism. It sounded good at first because I recently had an experience in which this passage was proven to be true; however, I couldn’t help but think about all of the other people who were still struggling with an addiction or those individuals who have died from their addiction. Did God neglect or forget to provide victory for these people?

I believe He has done neither of the two, but that’s easy for me to say seeing that I have recently experienced the victory enunciated in the passage above. So where is the help for those drowning in their addiction? Where is their saving grace? What about those who have already died due to an over-indulgence in their addiction? Why didn’t God stretch out His helping hand to them?

I am not God, but I can use what God has done for me as proof that he provides a way out. I had struggled with this addiction for years, and I did not see how I was going to get over it while I was still youthful. I would pray and pray for God to aid me in overcoming my addiction, but it just seemed as if He had turned His ear against me. So I stopped praying. Nothing changed. Finally, over this past summer and last semester I was faced with the most emotional and physical pain I have probably ever had to endure. While I was being tortured by these two forms of pain, I did not see why I was presented with this trial I had no control over. Like most people, I imagined God would reach down and gently take away my desire to continue indulging in this sin I had struggled with for so many years. After all I was/am His child, so He was obligated to be delicate with me. Right? As Christians, we are many times shown the loving and merciful side of God. We are conditioned to believe that all of the mediums God’s uses to save us will be pleasant to our bodies and our souls. When we are faced with a situation that literally shakes the foundations of life that we presently stand on we fold. A lot of the times we crumble under the pressure. Through cognitive distortions such as emotional reasoning, we run to harmful outlets seeking comfort and relief from our problems. We refuse to attribute any process that will seriously challenge us physically, mentally, or emotionally to God. We have become soft and fluffy, expecting our belief in God to disqualify us from pain.

I have found that pain can refine a person however. Pain is what instigated me to form rituals for my days prior to my victory: Wake up. Proceed to my car. Cry for an hour. Put my clothes on and pick out the facade I was going to wear for the day. Go to class. Come home and then cry for about another two to three hours. Attempt to study. Go to bed. Repeat. Pain is what coerced me to take part in harmful outlets in order to gain peace of mind. Pain has left it’s permanent signature all over my body. Pain has taken me to some of the most undesirable places. Pain almost caused me to stop…. This pain has also lead to receive victory over a sin that I have lost thousands of hours of my life to. This pain has set me free from the slavery of striving to satisfy other’s views and opinions of me. This pain has prodded me to share my experience with you, hoping that some of the words I say will potentially have an impact on your life. This pain has helped me to finally find something that I have been searching for my entire life…myself.

God used a very painful experience to set me free. Learn to embrace the trails you are faced with. They could be the tool God is using to refine you into the person you were always meant to be.

Blessings.

Wreaking Havoc

January 14, 2013

Disclaimer: I do not intend to push my religion or beliefs on anyone who reads the entry. There may be lighthearted moments in this entry and exaggerations may be used, but I truly believe this is a pressing matter.

I have the privilege of having a job, and I am grateful for that. Along with having this job, I benefit because I do a lot of shopping at store I work at. I generally enjoy the work I do, but like any job there are a few things that get to me. I came into to work one day feeling very jolly. I would like to think that I am a cheerful person for the most part, but this was just a really good day. I only had to work a four hour shift that day, and two of my favorite managers to work with were scheduled on my shift. I clocked in, then proceeded to empty my bladder before making my way onto the sales floor. The feeling I got while leaving the bathroom was amazing. My steps felt so light as if I were walking on cotton balls. Well maybe that’s a bit much, but I did do my Johnny Depp walk right up to the cash wrap (I would be glad to demonstrate it if ya ask me) and immediately started working on go-backs. I was surprised to see the condition the store was in because usually by the afternoon it was wayyy below “brand standards” aka an utter mess.

After I finished with the go-backs, I began making my way around the store, perfect-folding any disturbed clothing back to brand standard. I felt good knowing that I was nearly finished making one of the women’s sale tables nice and “pertty” as my general manager would say. Any sales associate knows that it is rare for a store to need little recovery after a long day of sales. However, if this happened to be the case, then work would be fairly easy that day. The only thing the sales associate would really need to worry about was good costumer service, and that was no problem for me because I was THE MAN when it came to costumer service. At least I thought I was.

You see, while I was doing my thing I spotted this one lady coming into the store on her cellphone. I didn’t really bother to tell her about our promotions that day due to my prior experiences with trying to talk to ladies while they were in the middle of a captivating phone conversation. So I just glanced at her hoping to make eye contact so I could at least acknowledge her. I probably wasn’t as interesting as the conversation she was holding because she never looked at me. She just made her way into the store, and what she began to do next nearly brought tears to my eyes. In a matter of seconds, she began to tear apart all the hours of recovery me and my fellow sales associates had put into perfect-folding all the clothing. The worst part of it all was that I was the only sales associate on the floor at the time, so I would be responsible for the recovery that needed to be done after this lady left the store. Tears began to roll down my face as I saw multiple perfectly-folded jeans and shirts fly across the store.

In the midst of my distress, however, a thought popped into my head. I constantly did the exact same thing this lady was guilty of. I mean I’m sure I have done this in plenty of other stores, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Just as this lady was destroying what I had patiently worked on, I often go about destroying all the work and effort my Creator has put into me. Whether it is through a bad habit or various other sinful indulgences, I am guilty of destroying much of the work my Creator has done on me. Nonetheless, unlike the sales associates who is reluctant to fix the damage that has been done, God is patiently waiting to take me back and fix me up.

What am I waiting for? What are you waiting for?