Just Some Thoughts…

"While we are encompassed by a world of problems, it is our responsibility to decide how we react." -thepositivendeavour

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Addie Free Bakari

I could have perused dentistry, but I perused PT. Leave that for Chanice. “Myself” is trying to convince “me” that’s still to much focus for me. Dissonanced being. Capped mentally. She. Was. Mean…but I won’t return that energy. I have to retire my mom before 60….not before pre-retirement at 63. Mind stop playing me. My. Heart. Is. Too. Sweet. I struggle not to let you penetrate the exoskeleton and get to the mushy gushy. You can’t have emotionality and physicality on me, so I choose celibacy. I wish I could credit it to my morality. Read. Read. I’m going to figure out this being. God save me. God raise me. I get ridiculed for transparency cause I share these blogs on FB feed. Then the masses can judge me, and I’m embarrassed but, “I cannot delete.” Then I take down because of family. Deconstructed socially. No addition to popularity. I volunteered this information to help somebody…somebody who is feeling the same as me…someone who is set up perfectly but is still battling with their mentally. I’m struggling to connect with those around me…and the ones I do connect with I make sure I keep them at good distance…about arms length away from me. CSPT. I just don’t trust they can feel as deeply. Rationality please fall on me. I cry at the thought of loosing mommy because mommy has always shown a genuine care for me. Now I’m isolated. It’s tough embracing the thoughts of a fragmented being.

Bakari! Bakari! You’re name means promising, so please fulfill what you have promised me. How did Julian die though? Was it from an accident? Was it in his sleep? “God please don’t tell me it was because of his mentally! You know that could have should have been me!” We only spoke a couple times, but from his gaze I knew we shared similar mentality. I saw them say R.I.P Tamar, but moments later the world seemed to be back up on its feet…operating flawlessly. Then I told myself if I die I want them to praise me. It’d give my haggard ego relief. Drum major instinct. Am I still here because I been favored genetically? Not perfect but having had the privilege of being approached because of beauty. What if I never had that opportunity? What if my family wasn’t so respected in the community? What if it was me instead of him who was exposed to herpes? What if I didn’t have religion to instill the fear in me? Would I still be? Questions. Questions. Those are some real questions for me….

Keep pushing Bakari…

A Martyr

January 28, 2016

I will probably be a martyr. Then I ask God for forgiveness for offending His sons and daughters. I’ll also ask Him, “Why do I have to be a martyr.” Then I stare down at my skin and notice it’s a bit darker and realize that’s a problem. They will probably try to tear me down because I am an imperfect being. They’ll probably turn 1 speeding ticket into something imposturous so they can formally push their lawsuits. Once my character is in question they’ll let propaganda do what it has to. I know this to be true because I have already attacked by my own people. Fortunately, that anonymous girl didn’t convince her that I would control her diet. People have been trying to sabotage me. Unfortunately, there were probably some of you that did believe. I thought I was low-key because you’ve never seen me blow trees, and before college started I was retired from college parties. But she will always have something to say about me. However, I am no anomaly. Just take a look at Bill Cosby. What happened to the phrase “innocent until proven guilty”? I know a feminist from my HBCU that protests against him publicly. Lord please don’t let a black man slaughter me. I know we have a fighters mindset, but please calm all self-hostility. I used to think this was an existential crisis, but this is reality. Thankfully I can reveal myself to you before you reveal myself to me. Say what you may, but I will let my blog speak for me. Sometimes my impatience is hard to control when it’s mixed with my intensity. Sometimes my virginity is hard to maintain when she keeps messaging, and at times my resort for pain has left scars on my body that made people question me. But if God is for me who can be against me…. It even says my enemies will be at peace with me. Now I’ll close my eyes because that’s the peace I need. This man has got it and really gives it? I promise I’m just speaking my life into reality.

Consequently,

Your Founder/Chief Executive Officer

Hogwash

June 26, 2014

I wonder what you see in me…cause sometimes it’s hard for me to believe in me. Imagine having to hear that he said that she said that you could be great. And you sing “Lean on me”, but that type of dependence would probably kill me. Then they’d probably have to “will” me. And I don’t have much to leave, so I’m just going to lean on me while me feeds on the compliments that you just gave me. I’m just conducting introspection on that section of my brain that has me stressing that you’ve moved onto the next thing. Likened to a game where you just next them.

I think back to a time a couple tits removed. I think back to a time minus all the flicks construed; I’m flipping through my archive, “Yea these couple pics will do.” We were all so innocent! Then we all got rid of it. Little babies having precedence, we were only worried about our relevance! But we’re still only focused on our relevance. We pray then put in work and call it heaven-sent. And I need a shower of blessings. Cause I’ve always been worried about being the next best thing to the best thing…or the next best thing to the next thing.

It says pray without ceasing, and I hear the preacher preaching. It’s enlightening. Then I think I’ve found life’s meaning. But I can’t seem to pray without ceasing; I just pray for peace of mind as I see my parents gradually deceasing. And I’m still hearing the preacher preaching. “Amen.” “Hallelujah.” I’m just waiting for it to seep in. Cause it’s funny how someone can give you something to believe in, only to leave you wide-eyed and hopelessly dreaming….

Heaven bound

May 27, 2014

Lately I’ve been thinking that I’m good, cause my palms always been closed to the drugs. I look around and figure that I’m straight; two decades passed still haven’t opted to smash. I’ll be flying out the state to my birthplace, with my family thinking I’m about my work. Public image probably looking kinda sharp, as long as they don’t catch me in my room. They say the world is coming to an end, so I’m eclectic in my ways to pass the time. I use religion as a comfort for my mind, because I’d die before getting jail raped for my soul. But then the Bible told me turn the other cheek, but how when there’s so much pride to hold. Nah nah, as long as it’s something I can control, I’d like it for my ass to remain closed.

Heaven bound but I barely even pray. And when I pray I’m probably about to eat.

Heaven bound but I barely even sleep. I guess I’m waiting for the Lord to judge my soul.

This is the confessions of a child, who never really cared about the wealth. Instead he prayed to talk to all these girls, probably thinking it would help his mental health. And his mama always confiscating phones, cause it’s 6 am and he’s still on the phone. Then she asks him why he’s gotta be extreme, then doctor doctor says he’s messing up his health. He was looking for the truth inside a lie, from the misconceptions he created about himself. Then heartbreak came and hit him with the truth. No one can replace the love you have for you.

Heaven bound and I’m trying to see the light. I’m trying to separate my feelings from the truth.

Heaven bound and I’m trekking through this life. I’m trying to find the love I once had for You.

Harsh Dependency

June 25, 2013 — 3 Comments

Okay today is the day. Yea, I can feel it. I love the feedback. It makes me feel good. Let me conjure something intricate. Yes yes! Let me write something down that sounds so profound it will make you scream out loud. I want to be heard, so I write. A self-conscious human being, so I type and just hope my words will touch you in the right spot. I want to produce something marvelous. I want to produce something that will have me marveled at. Therefore I struggle to come up with words, basing self-worth on what I can get you to concur with. I don’t want any arguments. Just agree. Trust me.You’re investing in my self-confidence.

I’ve produced and produce. The feedback is amazing. I re-read my work for cliché’s. There is none. Oh yes, in a few minutes they’ll be praising my work. And it’s okay. There is adequate room for my head to swell. Because as of late, I’ve been malnourished with thoughts of inferiority and going to hell. Singing hymns like “It Is Well”, yet knowing not a damn things well. So I guess I’m a liar, but my pants only seem to be on fire when I see her. Or her. Oh Lord cleanse my mind as the tights get sheerer and the urge gets stronger.

But let us return to the topic at hand. My words must create an incredible picture. And if my words were to make me great, then I would gladly accept this fate of mine. After all, everyone needs a social standing. Right? Everyone needs to create a grand reputation for himself. Sike! …I only wish I could say that with sincerity. I’m praying to the Lord not really questioning if He hears me, but I just want someone to be near me. And it just scares me that the only time I’m feeling “loved” is when a female’s near me…

She is dreaming, a smile lights up her face
oh what a perfect place, what a perfect place
she is in.

It’s an unconscious state, where she loves
her face, she loves her hair, all of what’s there
she love herself.

But what a place to be, far from reality, it’s her dream,
it’s her dream, and she’s a queen.

He is working, eight to eight can life get any faster, his home life’s a disaster, such a disaster, unreal as real could be.
You see, he’s a king, he has everything, a wife and treasures, odd earthly pleasures, he loves his life.

Sad though it may seem, his life’s also a dream, but instead it’s just lived through his computer screen.

So what I’m trying to say is, we must learn today, to love ourselves, before we can love anybody else.

Dreaming (original song)

January 22, 2013

Yes, I’m A Cheater

January 18, 2013

Disclaimer: Please don’t go report this post to my mom before reading it.

Good. Now that I have your attention I will steal the floor for a few moments. In reality, I have never cheated on any girl I’ve been in a relationship with. Feel free to ask any of them. I think I was generally a pretty decent boyfriend. None of us are perfect, yet I strived for perfection in my relationships. Yea, that caused problems. After all, you’ve seen my quote right. “Yes we’re human, but if we strive for perfection at least we can count on achieving excellence.” Who wouldn’t settle for excellence?

I’m sure you have noticed, but I like using my experiences to prove the points I am trying to make. So here we go. I often hear girls ask the question, “Why do guys cheat so much?” , or something to that extent. Last week I was on YouTube, and I happened to run across an interview that “Power 105 1’s The Breakfast Club” did with the rapper Trina. You can check it out, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVhWZEMHHZQ. Besides all the vulgar comments that were exchanged, something Trina said in the interview stuck out to me. One of the interviewers began to ask her about her past relationships and what she liked in a man. They dialogued a bit then got on the subject of cheating. She then asked that particular interviewer if he had a girlfriend. To her surprise, he had a girlfriend of thirteen years and a 3-year-old daughter. She was curious to know if he had ever cheated on this girl. After a few jokes, he admitted that he did. The female interviewer then asked Trina, “Do you believe a man can be in a committed relationship and not cheat?” Her exact response was, “I believe a man can be in a committed relationship but they’re definitely going to slide out and do some other little stuff. It’s just natural.”

When I heard her response the smirk I had on my face the entire interview immediately went away. I was thinking, “I know a lot of guys cheat, but do women really believe it’s inevitable? Granted, Trina is a rap artist who probably grew up seeing this bias about men played out. But still.

So why do so many guys have a problem with cheating? I wish I could reveal to you a truth so indubitable that it would leave no room for you to second guess me; however, I’m afraid this will not be the case. I will offer a couple of suggestions though. First, the more girls a guy messes with (particularly cute ones), the cooler he is. Yes, yes we can sit here and discuss the double standard, but why flog the dead horse? One day, while I was walking through a building on my campus named Blake Center, I overheard a couple guys talking about getting head, brain, dome, oral sex, or w/e you call it. This one dude with dreads was sitting on top of the ATM machine while his disciples listened closely to him talk about getting oral sex from this one girl at a party. He went on to tell a couple more stories after that. Something that girls often don’t understand is that looks are not a determining factor when it comes to cheating. You can look as good as you want, but that won’t stop a guy from cheating on you. I’ve seen guys with beautiful girlfriends go mess with an average/below average chick.

Second, it generally takes more for a guy to become emotionally attached to a girl than a girl to a guy. Of course there are exceptions, but that is usually the case. I wish I could tell you some of the things my guy friends have done to the girls they were talking to, but that probably wouldn’t be a smart move on my part. Especially since some of my blog posts have already been scrutinized by my mom ha ha. When you match a girl who is putting all her emotions all into a relationship with a guy who is silently nonchalant about the emotional side of a relationship there may be some cheating. At least until both of them are on the same emotional level.

Finally, I think it’s safe to say that men are pretty visual. It’s not hard to catch a guy staring at a girl’s butt or eyeing a chick as she walks by. It happens all the time. So when girls dress in an immodest way, it is just any incentive for a guy to approach her…even if he has a girlfriend. Much elaboration can be done on this point, but I would just recommend you to read my entry entitled “Your Painted Black Thighs” to get a guys perspective on the revealing clothing many women wear today.

So there you are ladies and gents. This post wraps up what I like to call the 6 Day Fury. Starting this past Sunday, I consecutively made a post each day. Feel free read the other five, “I Have A Funeral To Attend”, “Wreaking Havoc”, “The Greater Scheme”, “I Need You”, and “Please Don’t Shoot Me Down” if you haven’t already.

Thanks guys!

The Greater Scheme

January 15, 2013 — 4 Comments

Disclaimer: Open your mind.

I have been told before that I think too much. This may be true. Most people would consider over thinking a bad thing. I have always seen it as something to look down upon, but lately I have begun to reconsider. Why? Because I kinda get a high off the introspection of myself and my life. Why? Ohh well because I feel somewhat optimistic about my future. Why? Gosh, because I think I am finally realizing that God has purposed for me to do something special in this life just as He has every other human being on this earth. Cliché?

Think about it. When was the last time you sat down and looked at yourself in the mirror then looked outside and asked yourself the question, “How many of me are there?” If you really have to contemplate this question that is a good thing. However, if you are honest with yourself and can name a plethora of others just like you, then maybe you should consider how true you are being to yourself. I’m not saying that everyone was put on this earth to be a unique individual, but there is something unique about every human being. Find it, and expose it.

When I’m alone, and even sometimes when I am around people, I have a tendency to fall into deep thought. I have become pretty good at making my “trances” unnoticeable, but best believe that something is always going on inside my head. I was ironing and washing last night, and I began to become fatigued because it was so late. I wanted to just stop, jump in my bed, and finish what I was doing in the morning. Then I started to think about “the greater scheme” of things. I was ironing because I wanted to be prepared for an interview I had the next day. I wanted to do this the night before the interview because I didn’t want to risk not being prepared for the interview. I couldn’t risk not being prepared because I needed the job. I needed the job because I need money. I need money because I need equipment. I need equipment for some of the personal projects I am working on. Once I begin to consecutively complete theses projects I will be on my way to achieving some of my life goals. If I achieve what it is I feel I was placed on this earth to do, then in my latter years of life I will not have to say “I wish I did…”

Do you see the thought that can come from just ironing and washing a couple of clothes for an interview? I know this may seem like a bit much for the average thinker, but I feel that is how we have to treat life sometimes. The little things we do now will lead up to the greater scheme of life. No one just hits an age in which everything just comes together for them. It starts now. The next time you are tempted to half-step a seemingly frivolous task just remember you are working towards your future with the little tasks you are completing now.

Blessings.

Wreaking Havoc

January 14, 2013

Disclaimer: I do not intend to push my religion or beliefs on anyone who reads the entry. There may be lighthearted moments in this entry and exaggerations may be used, but I truly believe this is a pressing matter.

I have the privilege of having a job, and I am grateful for that. Along with having this job, I benefit because I do a lot of shopping at store I work at. I generally enjoy the work I do, but like any job there are a few things that get to me. I came into to work one day feeling very jolly. I would like to think that I am a cheerful person for the most part, but this was just a really good day. I only had to work a four hour shift that day, and two of my favorite managers to work with were scheduled on my shift. I clocked in, then proceeded to empty my bladder before making my way onto the sales floor. The feeling I got while leaving the bathroom was amazing. My steps felt so light as if I were walking on cotton balls. Well maybe that’s a bit much, but I did do my Johnny Depp walk right up to the cash wrap (I would be glad to demonstrate it if ya ask me) and immediately started working on go-backs. I was surprised to see the condition the store was in because usually by the afternoon it was wayyy below “brand standards” aka an utter mess.

After I finished with the go-backs, I began making my way around the store, perfect-folding any disturbed clothing back to brand standard. I felt good knowing that I was nearly finished making one of the women’s sale tables nice and “pertty” as my general manager would say. Any sales associate knows that it is rare for a store to need little recovery after a long day of sales. However, if this happened to be the case, then work would be fairly easy that day. The only thing the sales associate would really need to worry about was good costumer service, and that was no problem for me because I was THE MAN when it came to costumer service. At least I thought I was.

You see, while I was doing my thing I spotted this one lady coming into the store on her cellphone. I didn’t really bother to tell her about our promotions that day due to my prior experiences with trying to talk to ladies while they were in the middle of a captivating phone conversation. So I just glanced at her hoping to make eye contact so I could at least acknowledge her. I probably wasn’t as interesting as the conversation she was holding because she never looked at me. She just made her way into the store, and what she began to do next nearly brought tears to my eyes. In a matter of seconds, she began to tear apart all the hours of recovery me and my fellow sales associates had put into perfect-folding all the clothing. The worst part of it all was that I was the only sales associate on the floor at the time, so I would be responsible for the recovery that needed to be done after this lady left the store. Tears began to roll down my face as I saw multiple perfectly-folded jeans and shirts fly across the store.

In the midst of my distress, however, a thought popped into my head. I constantly did the exact same thing this lady was guilty of. I mean I’m sure I have done this in plenty of other stores, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Just as this lady was destroying what I had patiently worked on, I often go about destroying all the work and effort my Creator has put into me. Whether it is through a bad habit or various other sinful indulgences, I am guilty of destroying much of the work my Creator has done on me. Nonetheless, unlike the sales associates who is reluctant to fix the damage that has been done, God is patiently waiting to take me back and fix me up.

What am I waiting for? What are you waiting for?

“I Forgive You”

January 9, 2013 — 2 Comments

Disclaimer: This entry was written to be thought-provoking. Opinions are given. Religious view are used.

Lately, I have been haunted by the words “I forgive you.” Growing up I was always taught to forgive others when they wronged you. My religion exposed me to Bible verses such as Mark 11:25 which says, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Sermons about forgiveness were often preached at church. Forgiveness was not an option but rather a requirement. Moreover, of all the sins and vices the world struggled with, the least a person could do was forgive. Right? And I mean who wants to know their sins won’t be forgiven by God if they have not forgiven their neighbor? Forgiveness was a given. When I was younger I can even recall being forced to say “I forgive you” if one of my siblings apologized to me after doing something wrong. Because I was obedient I said what my parents wanted to hear, but that did not keep me from silently harboring the negative feelings I had. Early on in life, I noticed that little things would get to me very easily. In addition to being affected by these seemingly petty things, I would also internalize whatever bothered me. I became so accustomed to saying I forgive you out of habit that I could hold a grudge against someone while “forgiving” them. I mastered it. You probably did too.

You see, while everyone taught me that I should forgive they forgot to teach me how to forgive. Now that I am older and my life is more involved I have come to realize the importance of being able to forgive. Earlier today, I was browsing the internet in search of information on forgiveness. I would like to share one definition I found that stuck out to me. Mayo Clinic defines forgiveness as “a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.” Pretty simple. I also ran across two interesting quotes about forgiveness. “One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory” -Rita Mae Brown and “Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.”-Unknown author

These two quotes immediately raised two thoughts in my head. 1. As humans, we are extremely selfish. 2. Not one person on this earth deserves peace. How could this be? I think it is obvious that humans are naturally self-centered. Some more than others. But how could no one deserve peace!? It’s easy to look at the second quote and say, “Whoaaa, this is AMAZING!” However, that again is a reminder of our selfish human nature. A person is hurt, and they want to move on with their life and get over a situation. So they “forgive” but with the attitude that the other person does not deserve their forgiveness but is “humbly” receiving it. The person doing the “forgiving” approaches the situation with a sense of entitlement. They forgive because THEY deserve peace. In reality, however, this person really deserves nothing. How could one deserve peace when they themselves have wronged others in the most unforgivable ways? How does a person deserve peace when they have stolen the peace and sanity of others? They don’t. None of us do.

Although the definition quoted earlier was a very simple one, it removed the self-centered focus out of forgiveness and replaced it with a selfless one. I would like to suggest that forgiveness is for more than one person. Forgiveness is for one’s self and for others. Since none of us deserve forgiveness or peace of mind, we all should agree. I believe the quote by Martin Luther King Jr, “forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude,” embodies the true meaning of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not stop after you forgive a person. Forgiveness is the attitude you have towards a person and life after you have been hurt. We should not forgive others just to say we have forgiven them or because we think we deserve peace.

“We should forgive because none of us deserve the freedom that comes with it.”-thepositivendeavour